a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy

oh what a year.
a beautiful year.
a very beautiful year.

2008 was rather painful for me. It was drenched in ache and loss and brokenness. A lot of shaking. I learned about cost and worth - I loved, but love turned to sacrifice, and sacrifice turned to compromise. And I was garbled in a cloud of voices and opinions and degrading... That even the voice of God faded into the distance. I missed Him.



So I resolved that in 2009, I would return to my true Love... I would pursue Him.

I will search all through the night, and when I find Him, I will not let Him go.
- Song of Solomon 3; "I Will Search," Rick Pino

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my Beloved, tell him I am LOVESICK!
- Song of Solomon 5.8

Thus, 2009 became a beautiful lovesick pursuit of the Holy.
And among the numerous ways the LORD revealed Himself, above all, I treasure the gift of relationships. Friendlationships. This year, God put people in my life who I've been praying for before I even met - people I'll cherish much (times infinity). And without intention, they taught me to embrace my God-given personality and identity, to pursue a Holy God, to be vulnerable yet wise. They taught me to love - freely, without reservation.

(and she's just one of them)

With the expansion of my affections came the expansion of my intercession. My heart would be stirred by the injust, merciless, and declining society. God put opportunities in my path without my searching for it: from Bound4LIFE, to the web design for Stand for Life Hawaii.. all the way to becoming a special education paraprofessional.

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the LORD, do not keep silent, and give Him no rest till He establishes and makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth.
-Isaiah 62.6-7

But I also babysat, took care of a handicap elder (plus about 200 other things). The danger with all that work, coupled with an intense call to holiness, and having been surrounded by "ministry," is that they can be rather draining. And I burnt out.

In no way was 09 a perfect year; searching through the night can be rather disappointing and tiring. In fact, the call to holiness became a religious spirit that bound me - but only because I lost sight of why I did it. If I were to pursue Him, it ought to be out of LOVE, not obligation. To love Him is to know Him. Upon knowing Him, we become Him. And who He is, is holy. But it all starts out in love.

You provide the fire, I'll provide the sacrifice.
- "Fill Me Up," United Pursuit Band

After that, I felt His presence was removed from me, or at least, it felt like a wilderness. At night. Still, God did tell me one thing - to worship. Interestingly enough, in the very same season, I had increased opportunities to collaborate in leading prophetic worship. The reasoning to still worship? Because whether or not I feel, see, or hear Him, He is still God, and He is still worthy of my worship. In every situation, I must worship Him in all His glory and holiness, in absolute faith that He finds it to be a pleasant sound, a fragrant love offering, a sweet incense in His chambers.

You will be my song in the night, my strength in the fire.
- "I Will See Your Glory," Tim Reimherr

I sleep, but my heart is awake
- Song of Solomon 5:2

Being in a wilderness at night -with all artificial lights shut off- is the most opportune time to see the multitudes of stars in all their brilliance. His Word is unchanging, His promises are secure, and His Word is alive. And I know that in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy, I can find Him in His Word - He is waiting, revealing that all the while, He was in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of me.

When will You come to me? When will You dwell with me? I am longing for Your nearness, come meet me in Your Word!
- Mary of Bethany session, OneThing 06

I make no concrete resolutions for each year (although I have some for the rest of my life), because God always supersedes my expectations. But I do want to be sure that the things He's taught me, I've truly learned (I wouldn't want to exit 2010 knowing 09 repeated itself). In Jesus' name, 2010 will be a great and glorious year. Another lovesick pursuit.

No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you’ve seen and heard it because God by his Spirit
has brought it all out into the open before you.
The Spirit dives into the depths of God,
and brings out what God planned all along.
- 1 cor 2:9-10

xo



Not my best photos of the year in their entirety, but I tried to be fitting :)
Currently Listening: Paint Your Picture by Julie Meyer

imitation

O Christ, the storyteller, release in us a compassion, an empathy.
paint for us eternal truth -
as eternity does not refer to "later," it refers to "neverending."
so let us live with "neverending" prefixed to our character, and let us, forever,
sing new melodies in the morning
harmonize with creation
dance the make-believe hours away
act with grace and agility and poise
capture beauty in ashes
paint eternal truths
write. create. make.

for art is the imitation, the imitation of life.
and if my life is an imitation of Christ,
may my art be the imitation of Christ.

“Are you a born writer? Were you put on the Earth to be painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.

Do it or don’t do it.

It may help you to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.

You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. Its a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.”

from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

xo



currently listening: "Fling Wide" Misty Edwards

devotion

a single bottle
filled with a year's wages
not spent on the needs of the world

but here it is, poured. washed.
absorbed into the skin of the Christ.
embedded in the skin of Christ.

and there, before the world
fiercely whipped
there, on the back that bears their burdens
fiercely pierced
there, on the side that they embraced
fiercely struck
there, on the cheek that they kissed

as He bled, as He sweat,
off of His skin,
He could smell the scent of her devotion.
with every slash,
the scent of her devotion
with every curse
the scent of her devotion
with every piercing thorn
the scent of her devotion
with His last inhalation
the scent of her devotion.

And the angels asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"
"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put Him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
"Woman," He said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"
Thinking He was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have put Him, and I will get Him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

She turned toward Him and cried out, "RABBONI!"



-John 20:13-16

And He remembers her devotion....
He remembers my devotion.


xo



Currently Listening: The Reward by Jonathan David Helser

Deep Things

(1)
O Spirit, no one knows the thoughts of God besides You.
You search the deep things of YHWH, the deep things of the I AM,
the riddles, the rhymes, the profound mysteries.
You, O Spirit fathom the absolute, infinite, beloved King of Glory

And Christ has gifted You to me, O Spirit,
that You would dwell within me, that I may be Your resting place.
I am Your abiding place, and You are my promised Revelation.

And it is because of You, O Spirit, that I know Christ, I know God Almighty
It is because of You that I know Him personally, I know Him deeply,
I know Him intimately.
Deeply, deeply, deeply.
By You, I venture deeper in intimacy with Christ.

(2)
I am the Bride, and You are the engagement ring
I am the Bride, and You are the Spirit within me.
You are the holy echo of my spirit -
a heavenly echo resonating from the depths of my soul
You and I are the depths of the earth that call out to the depths of heaven
You and I are the fervent yearning, the unquenchable desire.
You and I desperately long for the Bridegroom
And You and I passionately cry, "Come, LORD Jesus, Come."



xo


Currently Listening: to awesome anointed worshipers practicing for tomorrow's service.. I'm so wrecked by His love!
Currently Reading: I Cor 2.6-16, Eph 1.13-14, John 14.15-31, Rev 22.17

january

been on a kick of looking back into 2005 journals, which i will explain later.
expect a number of re-posts.

---

january 14

delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

if we waited until God gave us what we wanted before deepening ourselves in Him, we probably wouldn't keep our word... because we're human and we are stupid sometimes.

[sometimes, the more we get, the less we really gain : sanctus real]

but God is not human and thus He is not stupid.

we remember the premise... and once we're in the center of God's will, maybe the desires of our heart will be for someone or something else... something greater than what we could've planned out for ourselves.

january 20

Jesus, You know the storages and file cabinets and crate-fulls of mess in my life, and You also know the little desires that i'd confess, keep silent, or maybe not say at all. and sometimes, You gift me with the things I never thought I sought, but found... and rejoiced. i love You, Jesus...

life is piercing and harsh, but Jesus has been wonderful nonetheless, and it would be unfair for me not to be nice to Him too...

january 31

God have mercy on our restless souls, because we become uneasy with the outcomes of things that contradict our original design... but show us Your blueprint that we may better understand ourselves and others...

and love us too-- because we may feel incomplete when the hearts of man fail us...

----

xo

reading: 2005 xanga entries. yes, i said xanga.
listening: Jason Upton, "Come Up Here" from Faith

lovely

in the morning, tell yourself you are lovely, because you are.

and this not in a conceited manner - this is true, and it's healthy to speak the truth over yourself. we live in a world of lies where everyone else is dictating our identity (and they're usually all lies). the truth is, you are lovely, you are worth fighting for, you are desired.

and when you wake up, you should know this. and when you wake up, you should smile, even if for a second you're forcing yourself to, because sometimes the truth needs a bit of prompting before it becomes convincing. because sometimes, we know the happier way out, we just like to wallow in our pain. the truth is, you are loved, you are cared for, you are thought of.

and when you get up, you should thank the Lord that He's given you another day to fall in love with Him all over again, to embrace life, ugliness and beauty and all. and thank Him that for the rest of the day, He'll still be beside you, the peace you find when you need Him. we don't believe it because we don't see proof, we don't feel a nearby presence, we don't hear the words we're longing for. but the truth is, He longs for you, He wants to be the one you run to, He wants to be your solace, your laughter, your comfort.

and when you greet this day, talk to Jesus, and listen to Him too. you'll hear Him call you lovely, you'll hear secrets only made known to you. and even though you may go through today with moments of brokenness and coldness and gloom, remember He was also broken, and lonely, and grieved, but even then, He was still lovely - so very lovely - and so are you. in the middle of your emptiness or plenty, your apathy or sensitivity, your anger or control, you are His beloved, His chosen, His dream, His desire, and He finds you lovely.


xo


--
Reading: Psalm 73
Listening: my favorite playlist, "as night falls"

big girls don't cry

...still, the fact that i stand at 4'11½ (the height of most elementary school kids i deal with) practically licenses me to cry. yet i find myself asking permission from my dignity if it's okay to be weak, if it's okay to be vulnerable, if it's okay to be sad.

a third of me is blogging this because if i don't find an outlet, i'll implode. another third thinks i'm being way too open with the i-could-care-less cyberspace community. the final third is trying to convince me that i should do what i want, because the cyberspace community could care less.

whatev.
the truth of my feelings? i'm not in the happiest mood, i've been so stressed, surprisingly impatient, and i was actually angry that i yelled at someone (yikes). i've lost a lot of trust in some people who are SO full of words yet so empty in action (it's not "love;" look at I John 3.18). i don't do anything fun, i haven't laughed in a while, and i'm actually taking tylenol for headaches. BLAH.

anyway, this post went for weeks without completion because i like to end on good notes. my excuse was that i haven't yet arrived at the good note, and i don't know what the good note would look like either. anything i wanted to say, i didn't really receive, because if i received it, i would've had hope.

faith is the substance of things hoped for.

yet... i'm learning that whether or not i receive it, if God says it, it's truth. and i don't want to be trapped in lies. sometimes you just have to speak truth, even if you don't feel like it.

so here goes the inward struggle of praising God in battle... trying to remember even just a handful of the many things He says....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
To share in His sufferings is to share in the resurrection power.
He promises He will never leave me or abandon me.
"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"
His joy is my strength, He gives a peace that the world cannot give
He will always take care of my heart
This will only make me stronger
He only gives us what we can handle
He always thinks good thoughts towards me
He is ALWAYS good
His ways are higher than mine; He knows what He's doing
I am not in control
I can trust Him
and He loves me.
He will always love me.
His love goes above and beyond.


I feel better now...



xo


--
Reading: A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (LOVE this book)
Listening: Feist, on shuffle.

perfect timing.

Recently, while driving amidst bustling traffic, my car died. In fact, it happened in the middle of the intersection. The only thing I knew to do (besides pray), was to put it into neutral and scoot myself inside the car, till it rolled to the nearest curb. What a sight.

When I got home, my mom so "kindly" pointed out that if I'm under an attack, it's never just one area of my life, it's usually everything, with massive, memorable blows: health that deteriorates, finances that disappear, emotions that explode, friendships that sever, work that demands, rumors that slander, death that steals. She's mom. She's right. And it's a pretty crappy state of being.

As my cousins looked at my car, the problem was found out; ironically, in the summer of 2007, while driving the trusty old Nova (aka Little Jimmy), it died for the same reason, in the middle of unhappy afternoon traffic.

It was the timing. (That is to say, the timing belt).

God is pretty funny. I mean, why did the Nova break down on the freeway, during rush hour? Or why did the Civic break down in the middle of an intersection, on my way to a prayer meeting of all things? It's so inconvenient! And the cars broke down because of bad timing, during times when my life was in a season of internal breakdown...

I think it's God's big flashy billboard.

And I heard Him tell me:

If you are not in alignment with God's timing, you're going to break down.

There are tons of things that we can do the further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes (and for me, quite often), it's easy to slip into a performance mode, wanting to do it ALL. But there's a specific time and place for everything. After all, the more I keep "doing," and not paying attention to His timing, His direction, or His will, everything starts to dismantle.

As I sat there on the curbside watching my cousins tweak and test wires and gadgets, I realized that internally, I was running fast and going nowhere. And I needed to get my life straight, else I'd end up like these cars, breaking down in front of everyone, causing havoc and frustration.

I'm putting life on pause for a while. Go ahead and let the other cars pass me by, I'm not in a rush. I want to be sure that everything in me is in order, that I'm in alignment with God's timing, that I'm in the center of His will.

(this is that Nova... the day it ceased to function)

xo


---

Reading: Stardust, Neil Gaiman
Listening: all Copeland tracks on shuffle
Watching: Bedtime Stories

promises

The in-love-ness of: "You, my LORD, are beside me in this moment,"
the in-love-ness of hearing His voice reiterate promises and compliments and Truth,
the in-love-ness of knowing His plans for your future together:
it persuades us to a dance with our Christ. And in ecstasy of spirit,
we say beautiful prayers, or sing heart-gripping worship songs -
the poetry of lyric: devotion in prose, or
the suave of melodies: canons and ballads and crescendos

Yet, I do not know the honesty of what we pray for, nor do I realize the weight of our words, the power of our thoughts and our tongue, nor the reality of any covenant, or promise - with Him or with others.

At the sound of His words, we dramatically recant some equally astounding commitment,
"I will die for You," "I will live for You," "I will stand up for You," "I will fight for You."
"I will ____ for You."
do anything. for YOU.
walk through the wilderness, give up everything, bear my cross, run the extra mile, contend.

I do not realize the weight of my words.

And so when the fire consumes my surroundings,
or the torrential rain has brought mold to my foundation,
when the earth swallows my city, or the desert is without horizon:
my weary -and now lazy- soul questions where is the One who desired me...

We can be so quick to speak at the moment of in-love-ness,
So swayed by worship song and dance;
Yet, so quick to retract at the moment of familiarity -
to stop running when He says not where He is going,
to stop sacrificing when we are not receiving,
to stop living when we are tired of dying.

He always knew the weight of His words.
When we were faithless, He remained faithful.
He is the fire, the flood, the wind. He is Truth, He is Life.

We forget what we once prayed. We suffer and do not understand the cause -
But He takes us at our word, because He is a Man of His word.
He keeps His words, should we not keep ours?

God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that He should change His mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?

-Numbers 23.19

---

Adonai, I want integrity to become me; I want to say what I mean, mean what I say, and follow through with every promise, commitment, and covenant with You.
Let it be so.


xo



Listening: Jesus Culture, "Consumed"
Reading: a truckload of emails.

knowing.

one day, i vented to the LORD and complained of a situation in which i gave and gave, and got nothing in return - He smiled with such gentleness, and told me, "now you know how I feel."

and then i saw that i had not been giving Him my everything.
but He is a gracious God, and He still gives and gives, whether or not i give Him anything in return. it convicts and moves me, to love Him, not out of guilt, but out of desire.


never have we been promised:
"love and you will be loved"
"love and you shall receive"
"love and you will be happy"
"love and you shall be satisfied,"

it will be a while, but soon enough, we'll realize in the core of our souls, that love never promises anything except that we will feel. for as often as we love, so often we hurt. and as often as we give, so often we lose. but even amidst loss and sacrifice and pain, we love because we choose, we love because we are compelled. and as often as we are compelled, so often we know joy. and as often as we purpose, so often we have peace.

but most of all, as often as we encounter Love, so often we encounter God.
and as often as we encounter God, so often we feel loved.



xo


reading: a lot of RSS feeds.
listening: "I Have to Believe," Rita Springer (except for "Those Were the Days." for some reason i always skip it)
watching: "Don't Eat the Daisies"

Infinite

After reading Joe's FB note "thought #32 of 289,046 on june 26, 2009," I had my own swirl of thoughts and rambles.

Oh, and this isn't written "to" Joe, just inspired by him. And Joe, I hope nothing ever restrains you; let His love always compel you.

--

You were created in the image of God. I was created in the image of God.
And yet, what a phenomena, we are all unique.
It is because there is a part of God that is a part of you, and only you.
There is a part of Him that is only in me.
This is the multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite, Holy Trinity.

And so, in your discovery of God, you will find yourself.
Because you were created in the image of God;
To see Him is to see who you should be.
But the mystery of the intricate, infinite God is this:
In your relationships with others, expect to encounter a unique attribute of God.

This is the multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully created, Body of Christ.
Which is why, to dismiss the need for community,
Or to dismiss your personal potential and thinking less of yourself,
Or to elevate yourself and/or others without elevating God
Only causes one to build an incomplete (or false!) image of Christ

We think we know each other. I think I know myself. I think I know God!
But He is not an idea to be contained in concepts and forms and -ologies
He is a Person - THREE Persons! - to know, to communicate with, to love.
And to love, and to be loved, is to experience God, because He IS love.
Yet, who can explain love? It is multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite...

There is a facet of God that is in you, and only you, a facet of Him that is only in me.
And I learn more about God when I love you,
And slowly learn what it is to be made in the image of love, the image of God.
He is three Persons, but One God.
We are many parts, but one body.

This is to the glory of a multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite, beautiful God.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son...
-Romans 8.29

Love each other deeply, from the heart.
-I Peter 1.22

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him.
-I John 4.16

xo


Reading: New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Morton
Listening: Fresh Pair of Eyes, Brooke Waggoner

hungry

Been journaling more, and [obviously] blogging less. Unfortunately. Actually I have six drafts waiting to be published...

--

I can name four instances in the past week where people have blessed us with food in abundance - and by that, I mean things like 3 gallons of milk, two trays of eggs, two bags of rice, a LOT of fresh produce... And to think, it all started on Friday morning, when my dad proudly announced he had eaten the last bit of leftovers, making more space in the refrigerator.

Sometimes we are unaware of what emptiness prepares us for.
I couldn't help but think about a recurring theme I hear in my spirit this season - that of hunger.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
-Matthew 5.6

Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God.
-Luke 14.13

The verse in Luke is the preface of the parable which Jesus tells, in which a banquet is prepared and the invited guests had numerous excuses not to attend. This was countered by inviting anyone and everyone, even those on the streets, "so that [his] house will be full" (v.23).

Interestingly enough, had this been a real story, I can see how people would use these excuses. Bought a new field (possessions). Trying out new oxen (work). Just got married (relationships). But the reality of it is exactly what defines the intensity of surrender, and yet reveals the quality and importance of the feast.

Sometimes we wonder why desire or yearning for more of God isn't strong in our spirit. Could we be going through a season? Perhaps. Or maybe we're just full of other stuff - so full of junk, or even, so full of things that in the natural seem necessary. But if the LORD is preparing a banquet, I want to be hungry for that meal. I won't be hungry if I'm so full.

God is preparing un-comprehensible greatness for us. And I have not attained it all, but I have faith that it will be worth the sacrifice. So if it means releasing the things that would make me a fool by the world's standards, I must do that.

I do not know what He is serving, but I will make myself hunger for it.

I want to be at the great feast. I want to be ready, empty, prepared. I want to be hungry, so that I can be filled with Him, and satisfied by Him.


xo


Reading: New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton
Listening: United Pursuit Band

untitled.

originally written on April 10, 2007

--

i danced with the maker of the sky
a glide on a cirrus cloud
a quiet smile, a blush between laughter


and where i would typically cover my head in shame,
i lifted my eyes to lock a gaze with my Adonai
my feet are not swift,
my limbs are not graceful
my countenance less than fair
but He is beautiful

and i love Him,

despite- me.


xo


Reading: The Happy Intercessor, Beni Johnson
Listening: "Warrior," Live at Stubb's, Matisyahu

Prunes, Dates, and Humiliated Grapes

[Raisins] used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes.
- Benny and Joon

I think the only dried fruit I actually like are dried cranberries, and that's just if I put them into my cranberry-walnut muffins (to make the name legit). But this is not going to be about shame, or dating, or the credibility of muffins. And not so much of prunes either...

This is about pruning.
[my irrelevant titles/tangents/excursions do eventually merge.]


There's an incredible move of God happening in THIS generation, that I WILL see with my eyes. And I have felt the growth in myself, and seen repercussions in the people around me - people getting healed in church, friends suddenly diving into a relentless crave for God, dreams unfolding, signs that make you wonder... It's all real.

The beauty of the New Covenant is that we live with the executable power that came from the resurrection. But that's just it - to resurrect means you'll have to die first.

I once heard Bill Johnson say this:

The reward for growth is to be pruned, because that allows for more fruit in the next season.

It's one of those glorifying-crucifying statements that I love and hate (but genuinely love), where we dreamers and optimists revel in clinging to the hope of "fruit," but practicality yanks us back into the realization of Jesus' uncompromising command to pick up your cross and die daily (Luke 9.23). I'll be honest - there are times that the "dying" part makes me groan. "Uh, Dad, I kinda don't want to die today. I've been really drained and I would prefer a nap over bloody sweat." (Because seriously, I do feel drained, and I could use a nap.)

For shame.

I can hear God tell me, "Endure it, woman." (sigh.) And He's right. After all, in order for a plant to be healthy, it needs to be pruned. Why waste nutrients on injured, infested, or dying areas of my life? Why feed the parts of me that don't glorify God, or bless others, or encourage my spirit? To prune is to encourage fruit development. In the end, it's more worth it to see the abundance of the Fruit of the Spirit (and fruit of your prayers, whatever "fruit" means for you), than to live with mediocre fruit, and a whole lot of dead stuff.

He cuts off every branch IN me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even MORE fruitful.
-John 15.2

It's to be expected, that because we live in such an exciting time in history, the junk must be made known - and chopped off. The intensity of Light sheds reality on all the dark things going on in our insides. The influx of His beauty calls for a purge of our ugliness. The increase of glory evokes an increase of attacks - everything worth fighting for will be fought over.

I say all these things as encouragement to myself and others, that the humiliation of being stripped of our beauty [uh.. raisins?], of our lives being flogged as a spectacle, of suffering, of a broken heart, of pain, of death - it is all a part of process to find the glory and power of the resurrection.

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
-Philippians 3.10-11

That's all...
OK let's go die!



xo


Listening: "To Be Alone with You," on Seven Swans, Sufjan Stevens.
Reading: The Pentateuch

sticky notes

I was driving home and could not concentrate on the road - the sunset was like an unexpected gift from Adonai - it left me awestruck by His glory. So once I got home, I snapped this from our kitchen window, and had a sudden realization that I am in the right place at the right time... (but we shall save that for later!)

--

A simple, unassuming sticky note,
Posted on the doorway to Beyond;
He has handwritten with affection,
"I am fond of you."

But If this is a note, I must read His novels!
If this is a sketch, I must see His calligraphy!
If this is vernacular, I must hear His poetry!
If this is simplicity, I long for intricacies!

If these are fingerprints, what of touch and feelings?
If He is smiling, let us start laughing!
If He is moving, I want to start dancing!
If He is coming, I want Him arriving.

If this is beauty, I want to behold majesty.
If this is fondness, were He to lavish love on me -
Such a profound mystery:
He goes beyond all we ask or think

He is a Sentimental Author
with charm behind His intensity



xo


Reading: A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken

lost.

end abortion.



Silent Siege
9-11.30a
State Courthouse [Kamehameha Statue]



bound4LIFE




xo


Reading: The Breaker Anointing, Barbara Yoder
Listening: spontaneous worship from Hope Community Church

O Broken Man

O the Broken Man on the Cross,
You have offended our minds to reveal our hearts

So we have crucified You,
that we may no longer be confronted by our great sin of fear;
to resume our idolatry - worshiping our doctrines, traditions, and self-attained holiness
to remain unchanged

So we have disowned You,like a faithful member of our gullible, pliable society
like everyone else who seeks entertainment, not conviction
as if You are a passing trend (like WWJD bracelets)

Broken Man, how can You tell us to eat Your flesh and drink Your blood?
How can You use the unclean spit to clean a man's blindness?
Why did You not fight for John the Baptist's freedom from prison?
What if we would rather sing the dirge than do a dance?

Broken Man on the Cross,
You gave Your mother away.
You say a thief will enter Paradise.
You ask forgiveness on our behalf from G-d Himself (and we did not ask for it)

This Authority!
Who ordained You? Where did You get Your license? Show us Your credentials!
(Where's that Pastor ID Card....)

We don't like You.



So die.



And now, Broken Man, as You are on the Cross,
Is this so much what our hearts have desired?

Broken Man, we have heard it said one way, and You say another.
We say retribution, You say absolution.
We say regulations, You say invitations.
We say sow and reap, You say favor.

We say half, You say whole.
We say a lot of lies.
You say a lot of Truth.
And it has offended our minds, but revealed our hearts.


For we say death, but You say Life.


O Broken Man,
You ruined every funeral,
You will surely ruin Your own.




xo

Listening: Upstairs by Shane & Shane
Reading: A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Journey

It's very much like God, to ask us to do things we don't feel like doing. And it's even worse when He doesn't tell us what the point is, what's the ultimate ending purpose or reason.

Which... becomes a situation in itself. We like incentive from God. We like incentive from anybody. We like giving if it involves - receiving. Some of this mentality has been perpetuated by the independence of our age, that has taught us about "sowing and reaping." We learned that we earn what we have worked for, and therefore, work to earn. It's a cycle that has its place, but which we have unfortunately abused and sprinkled with selfishness.

So, in the moments God asks us to specific tasks, the question "Why" tends to be loaded. Sour cream, chives, cheese, the whole bit. Throw in some doubt, speculation, and expectation of reward. (Although, I'm definitely not saying it's not wrong to question God - He is never intimidated by our inquiries. It's about the state of your heart; the underlying tone of your voice.)

In the end, God is looking for obedience. It's not so much where you end up, but what you have learned on the journey. It goes back to the whole concept of being faithful with the little things.

God says, "Go for a run." And I feel lazy.
But maybe He wants me to understand endurance and exercise, that one day I'll understand enduring a spiritual fight, or exercising my spiritual gifts. Or maybe He wants me to one day run a marathon for a good cause.

God says, "Sketch for 15 minutes today." And I don't see eye-catching inspiration.
But maybe He wants me to notice the simple things, to realize God is omnipresent, and He is in the simple things. Or maybe He'd like me to paint a masterpiece with my newly acquired skills.

God says, "Sweep the kitchen floor." And it looks sorta clean to me.
But maybe He wants me to understand cleanliness, that by cleaning up a seemingly 'small sin' prevents having to sweep up a great mess. Or maybe I'll have a surprise visit; company to chat in my kitchen over cookies and tea.

And the one I've been feeling for the past six weeks:
God says, "Apply for this job." And I don't really want the job. Even if the benefits (and my capacity for positive influence) are great. But maybe all He was looking for was obedience in its purest form - obedience to do something challenging, something soul-searching, something that eventually made me search for my true calling. It was a simple obedience that made me ask myself, "What am I really passionate about? Where should I be? What is my destiny?" Although it's much easier to ask God "Why" or "What's in it for me? Will You secure the job for me?"

My goal should not be to seek a reward, but to simply worship - to obey because I love Him, and I trust Him, and because I know He only has good thoughts toward me. I may not understand His reasons, or have a full grasp on what my life will be in one year or ten, but I do know this - that He has called me to be faithful and obedient. And the blessings and favor will naturally follow.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
-Hebrews 11:8

xo


Listening: "Your Love Never Fails" - JesusCulture (Kim Walker, Chris Quilala, Melissa How)
Reading: A lot of articles on poverty and education

Bleeding

God's relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with every relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt.

The hurt may prove the existence of emotion and sensitivity, but does it really validate the existence of Love?

The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love, for as C. S. Lewis says, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." But God does give it, again and again, until He is literally bleeding from it all.

One question:

Have I bled yet?




xo


Excerpts from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Nehemiah pt 1: Yours, Mine, and Ours

Am I my brother's keeper?

Yes, you are. Sorry to break your streak of self-consumption. Well, no, I'm not sorry. After all, with commands to "love our neighbors as ourselves" or to "carry each other's burdens" and similar verses of being a body - it ought to be apparent that we ARE our brother's keepers.

We live in such a conceited society, though. Everything's supposed to cater to "me" and if "I am unhappy, I will make the situation cater to me, otherwise, I will leave and detach myself. Indefinitely." (A rambled topic). Minds like these can get consumed with waiting for God or the church make us feel better about ourselves and make our lives easier.

We can easily forget that we are in a body - it is a support system. And we do not simply call it that so they may support us, but that we may support others. Too often, when we see obstacles and a whole lot of mess, our tendency is to run. Who in their right mind runs towards the problem?

But David ran towards Goliath. Only because he knew Who sent him.

In the time that Nehemiah was a cupbearer to a king of another country, the Israelites went into captivity in Babylon. In time they returned to their desolate city - walls, defenses, and hope destroyed. Hearing of this, Nehemiah wept with empathy.

...I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you...
-Nehemiah 1:6

He wasn't remotely a part of the issue, save the fact that he too is an Israelite! But God pressed upon his heart a heaviness for the people, who he repented for.
Yes, he took the responsibility of repenting for his forefathers, and himself.

How often have I been guilty of leaving a fellow sister or brother to deal with their own punishment? "Well, they made that mistake, let God deal with them." When was the last time my heart broke for someone else? Where I stepped in the gap and said, "No, LORD, withhold Your judgment - show Your mercy!"

I am not saying that suddenly, we need to become the Savior and take responsibility for everything - I am saying that our hearts need to be opened. Our peripheral vision needs to be opened. We need to ask God what is on HIS heart, so we know who we need to stand in the gap for.


---

Part of the reason I decided to talk about this is because it's distressing to know that people prophesy judgment on this "wicked generation" - as if, they want this nation to be destroyed for its immorality. "Look at how immoral they are! God should strike them dead!" I despise that mentality so much!

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?
-Ezekiel 18.23

This is still in the Old Covenant too! We are in the New Covenant that says nothing separates us from His love. Why should we profess curses and judgment on people, or why should we cast the first stone? Why are we so concerned about our own spiritual fulfillment, then get offended at a world that lives contrary to the Word - simply because no one has told them differently?

It's not common for people to run towards trouble. But by whose standards? It's time we start interceding - repenting for these people who Jesus Himself said, "Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they are doing."


If you take light of darkness - surprise surprise - all you have is... darkness.

We know the Truth. We carry the Light.



xo


Reading: Song Yet Sung by James McBride
Listening: Rise Up by Rita Springer
Watching: Eyes and Wings Conference at The Lighthouse Church, Mammoth Lakes, CA

The Struggle of the Not-So-Super Human

It's a familiar - and false - mentality that: "Christians should always have joy, and you are being a terrible example to those young in faith if you start to reveal that your life is crumbling. What kind of testimony would that be!? You can't witness if you're not happy!"

And that, my friends, is how I have been conditioned growing up. I suppose a good percentage of people had the convenience of having a surrounding that encouraged them to "find themselves" and to "be who they want." Lucky for them, to be who they want could be an external or internal choice. But to tell me (or anyone) that we should always put on a "happy face" is actually not a demand for our outward appearance, it's the breaking of our inner confidence.

Here is what I mean, via my own personal experience:
People told tell me that I could be a lawyer or an artist or a preacher or a nurse, basically whatever I wanted, and the choice was ultimately mine. But their reactions to my lifestyle also told me that I was forbidden to reveal my weaknesses. The results were devastating. I wore all sorts of uniforms of varying professions. But the reason I could not settle (strangely, I'm still unsettled?) was due to the fact that in my head, I rehearsed to myself that unless I have perfection AND a happy face on, I am a disappointment to Jesus, a bad example to people, a inefficient testimony, a fraud, a failure, a waste of life. We can see how this stems into a terrible sense of worth. What I mean is, I felt like my life was worth something only if I was at perfection. Below perfection, I felt the dissatisfaction of peers and superiors. I felt secure if I had the approval of the hardest critics. I felt devastated if I received a bit of critique. With this kind of standard, I remained under the impression that I "failed" at everything, thus, I needed to change career direction.

Of course, the fact that I am not superhuman or perfect means YES I did (and still do!) have areas of weakness. So in aiming for approval ratings, my vices of choice were little white lies, jumbled priorities and "flirting" with the critics for a two-thumbs up. [Flirting = not literal.]

Let us just say, I lived out of fear.

Frankly, I hate being plastic. Anyone who's experienced "the mask" eventually realizes that it suffocates you more than liberates you. Yet, even though we "know" this, the reason so many people still go back to it is because it's like a security blanket. And yet, security blankets are childish, and wearing masks is immature.

Am I advocating a parade of our faults? Nooo way. Complaining is to the devil what praise is to God. And in any case, it's not necessary (or smart?) to spill your life story to the next stranger on the elevator. However, to hide is to lie.

The route to take, in all sincerity, is surrender to God. It's the route that says, "Yes, I am having an area that I am struggling with, BUT I am in faith that God will [etc etc etc]."
What I'm saying is that I learned all the proper phraseology, but never learned to do it first. Talk is super cheap. A surrendered life does have a countenance of joy, peace, happiness, and love - and you have no shame, you're not walking on eggshells afraid the mask will fall off - because there is no mask. The joy is deep as marrow, and it's real. Your situations, your weaknesses are very real too. But, you know Truth.

I am writing all this with the thought that I am plagued by it as much as I used to - praise God. But also because it's partially the reason I haven't written in a while. I felt under the weather (both physically and spiritually) and it did not seem like I could say anything out of a place of brokenness. And the perfection gig? It is SO much more intense. In fact, while writing this blog, I can't help but think that I better have something encouraging to say or else it will really look like I'm out of touch with God.

So here's my honest-honest-honest closing thoughts, regarding myself and you:
I struggle being vulnerable, but I would like to be. I feel like people have only come to know purposefully-selected areas of accomplishment and success, and therefore, so many people have a false perception of me. Currently, I crave God, but I feel like it's not enough. My soul literally longs for Him, but laziness has got in the way.
And amidst all this, I do fight to praise Him anyway.
Because when the battle is fierce, you have to fight even harder!

In the end, I'm not going to suggest you spill your problems, nor am I suggesting you only give happy reports. I am, however, going to suggest that you simply be honest. Because the mouth speaks out of the heart. You'll either be speaking out of a surrendered heart, or a troubled heart, and believe me, even if you are a troubled heart, there is always room for grace, prayer, restoration, and repentance.

...In this world you will have trouble. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world!
-John 16.33

xo



Reading: Wicked by Gregory Maguire
Listening to: Brooke Waggoner
Watching: political commentaries

Midnite Thoughts

I would like my sleep to get back into order. Please.
But since I'm awake, mightaswell share some thoughts.

I am not in control.
I am not God - I am His daughter.
I am not Jesus - I am His sister.
I am not the Holy Spirit - I am His friend.

My job is not to force people to make certain decisions. They have their own will.
My job is to show them the Way.

My job is not to condemn the world of sin, or to convict them or judge them. God is the ultimate Judge. The Holy Spirit is the believer's Conscience. I am the vessel of Love.

I was not asked to point fingers. I was asked to have the fruit of the Spirit - including kindness, self-control, patience, gentleness.

I have no right to cast the first, last, or any stone.


BUT

As a sister, as a friend, as a member of the Body, I will not tolerate sickness, even if this means a sick mind. I will not tolerate lies. I will not tolerate my brothers and siblings being lied to by the enemy. Nor will I tolerate if they live as a result of believing these lies. I will not tolerate manipulation or deceit or sly foxes. I have every right to exercising the authority of the Kingdom, which means casting out these demons. I have every right to demand my life back - their lives back - and demand he pays back sevenfold. I have every right to the Truth, and declaring the Truth.

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are running in the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom.
-Song of Solomon 2.15

I need sleep.
Maybe this will all make sense in the morning.



xo

The Things We See

I can't help but feel so excited for this new year! Mostly because 08 is OVER! Not that I'm in regret over anything last year, but I recognize that the costly mistakes I made can only launch me to higher levels - that is, IF I manage to prove recovery by NOT repeating those mistakes. At the same time, while those mistakes are all trash, I am aiming at keeping (and passing on!) the blessings I've received, whether it be an act of love or grace, a lesson of patience and forgiveness, or an extension of friendship.

And now, I stand at the base of a new mountain.

Robert McAfee Brown said, "Where you stand determines what you see." Instantly, my mind paints a picture of the view from a mountaintop. And yet, the play on words "where you stand" can take us to what I really want to address, that it isn't just what you see, it's how you see it. Where you stand on an issue determines what you choose to see. It's true, we don't see with our eyes, we see with our mind. We see based on our knowledge, based on our upbringing, based on our biases and convictions.

Think of this example: I love the song "No Woman, No Cry." Reggae runs through the veins of people here. However, at the sound of it, a friend of mine instantly connects that song as being played at the funeral of a high-school friend.

Same song. Different definitions. It's all about perception.

When you look at your life, what do you see?
Personally (eeeh.. as personal as a blog can be...), for a long time, I hated my life. And it's honestly easy to slip into that mindset! Currently, I don't resent my life, but it's not very hard to get pessimistic - or even to start questioning why I'm here! I got this from James Goll: sometimes, when God gives you a dream or a goal that you have to take in faith, initially it seems exciting, then when things aren't going smoothly, the enemy likes to take you on this downward spiral -

1. Discouragement. You start questioning God why things happened the way they did, and why He brought you to this place at all.
2. Disillusionment. You start to wonder, 'Was that really God, or was that just me thinking that I'm supposed to be doing this?'
3. Disinterest. You don't see immediate results and therefore, you stop caring.

Is it impossible to get out of this spiral? No. Is it easy to slip into it? Yes. But do you not see the nature of the enemy? 'Did God really say you can't eat that fruit?' He makes you question God's Words! In the same way, God places dreams and visions in our view, then the dumb devil makes us think, 'Can this really be from God?' The scary thing is, once we start believing it, we can be at the mountaintop, and instead of saying, 'What a gorgeous view!' we'll be chanting, 'Oh my gee, I am gonna effin fall off this cliff and DIE.' I'm telling you. It's all about perception.

If you hold to My teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!
-John 8.31-32

Although we are familiar with 'truth' referring to the Word, a deeper look will reveal that the word 'truth' means 'reality!' Isn't that beautiful?

Then you will know what is real - you will know what reality is! And it will free you!

Too often we are caught in a state of disarray. Whatever you want to call it - discouragement, disillusionment, depression, confusion, apathy - only because we don't know what's real! I am not discrediting the real emotions people have, and saying that people aren't allowed to experience pain; God Himself wept over His chosen ones! Yes, the world looks like it's deteriorating. It's scattered all over the Bible that that's how the world will be in the last days.

BUT - I choose to sing a Love song, not a funeral dirge.

God wants to make reality known to us! We've been trapped by the media and old wives tales and superstitions, but there's such a freedom to be had! I want to have a vision from God for this year - AND see it the way He sees it. I want to be able to approach life by saying the things He would say, doing the things He does, and going where He would go.

It's 2009! What song are you singing?




xo



Reading: Dream Language, James & Michal Goll
Listening to: Le Pas du Chat Noir, Anouar Brahem
Watching: Fight Club

Briers, Malunggay, and Waiting for Babies

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
-John 1.1

Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.
-Matthew 24.35

Has God given you a promise, a vision, a dream, or a goal? Has He simply left you with the impression that He will do something new? Has He not told you what it will look like? Has He left out a lot of the details?

[monotonously gives a 'yes' to each TV-infomercial-like question]
[and seriously, if you didn't say yes to any of the above..... we need to talk.]

Anything the LORD promises, regardless of the time it takes on human terms, will come to pass. That is an unwavering truth.

And yet, there are those situations they don't come to pass - and it's not because God is a liar. In some cases, a prophetic word could be wrong (which then reveals the importance of checking up with God instead of assimilating everything the wo/man of God says). In other cases, we may have confined the promise to the English definitions of the English words we hear. Let me illustrate: say you've latched onto a particular interest, and you feel God began to release strategies to further this interest. But in time, you begin to find that you don't have the same passion for that dream, and that your heart desires something else. Isn't it easy, at that point, to wonder, "Did I really hear the voice of God telling me to step into this?" And we go into a frenzy, adjusting our rabbit-ear antennas, assuming the reception must have been way off.

But in truth, it's nothing more than an invitation to know more of His heart. So you have a different dream now? At least you were faithful with what He gave you in that season! So that word didn't come to pass? At least you have a marking point, a discernment, of what His voice does and does not sound like!

At least, you learn to trust. You learn what it's like to depend on One you cannot see. You learn to be obedient to His rhema word. It's about practicing the presence of God - testing Him, trying Him, knowing Him, loving Him, and definitely listening to Him. Continuously. At least, you keep yourself in a position to expect God to move according to His word. And He honors that.



As a person who doesn't garden as often as my parents, I can honestly say that it's definitely not a skill of mine to look at any seed and instantly identify what kind of plant it will turn out to be. And my knowledge is still very limited, seeing a tree and knowing what type it is.

Usually, I just wait for the fruit.


I've mentioned how 09 has been prophesied to be the year of the womb. And there are a great number of people who feel the confirmation in their spirits that truly, God is going to birth something absolutely tremendous. And yet, so few of us have an idea of what it's going to be, what it will look like, how is it all going to happen... Some of us still wonder if anything's even there.

Basically, we're just waiting for the fruit.

Oh sure, there are those trees which I can name because of familiarity with their shape or leaves, like the clustered, overbearing mango tree with its seasonal red leaves, or the skinny heights of the malunggay tree. In the same way, sometimes we have a general idea of what God will do based on the tested, tried, and true signs that He gives us. Key word: sometimes. In the end, the tree will be defined by its fruit.

No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks.
-Luke 6.43-45

I really feel that even though we have no idea what this 'fruit' will be, we can hang onto the confidence that 'storing goodness in our hearts' is like water for the seed. It's not a time to spoil the fruit by harboring any 'evil' in our hearts - not bitterness, not laziness, not impatience, not complacency, not arrogance, not surrender!

A word was spoken over me in August:

Even though you cannot see the fruit, don't uproot just yet.

Just because we aren't seeing results, it doesn't mean nothing is happening beneath the surface. Just because you cannot see the fruit, it doesn't mean God is not at work. Just because we are experiencing the 'birthing pains,' it's not a time to abort the baby!

In due time it will come forth - and we should not worry what it will look like. For if it is from God, if it is bred from the pure intimacy that came from a covenant relationship with Him, then you can be assured that it will be a legitimate child, bearing the image of God, having the authority of the Kingdom, and carrying His holy name!

And surely, all of Heaven rejoices!



xo