Sunday, September 27, 2009

big girls don't cry

...still, the fact that i stand at 4'11½ (the height of most elementary school kids i deal with) practically licenses me to cry. yet i find myself asking permission from my dignity if it's okay to be weak, if it's okay to be vulnerable, if it's okay to be sad.

a third of me is blogging this because if i don't find an outlet, i'll implode. another third thinks i'm being way too open with the i-could-care-less cyberspace community. the final third is trying to convince me that i should do what i want, because the cyberspace community could care less.

the truth of my feelings? i'm not in the happiest mood, i've been so stressed, surprisingly impatient, and i was actually angry that i yelled at someone (yikes). i've lost a lot of trust in some people who are SO full of words yet so empty in action (it's not "love;" look at I John 3.18). i don't do anything fun, i haven't laughed in a while, and i'm actually taking tylenol for headaches. BLAH.

anyway, this post went for weeks without completion because i like to end on good notes. my excuse was that i haven't yet arrived at the good note, and i don't know what the good note would look like either. anything i wanted to say, i didn't really receive, because if i received it, i would've had hope.

faith is the substance of things hoped for.

yet... i'm learning that whether or not i receive it, if God says it, it's truth. and i don't want to be trapped in lies. sometimes you just have to speak truth, even if you don't feel like it.

so here goes the inward struggle of praising God in battle... trying to remember even just a handful of the many things He says....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
To share in His sufferings is to share in the resurrection power.
He promises He will never leave me or abandon me.
"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"
His joy is my strength, He gives a peace that the world cannot give
He will always take care of my heart
This will only make me stronger
He only gives us what we can handle
He always thinks good thoughts towards me
He is ALWAYS good
His ways are higher than mine; He knows what He's doing
I am not in control
I can trust Him
and He loves me.
He will always love me.
His love goes above and beyond.

I feel better now...


Reading: A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (LOVE this book)
Listening: Feist, on shuffle.


  1. and this post has moved me..goin thru my own battles..inner battles to be specific..and journal-ed today saying " I need help " only to later find myself reading the words " God brings help " that he is the safest place to hide and that he is our help in our times of trouble.. So lets wait on God to come thru for us..Thanks for sharing..I feel better too :-)

  2. Ok..maybe I want to cry..cause of God's perfect timing of ur post and and my lil break down.. Thank u and thank u God..