Sunday, September 27, 2009

big girls don't cry

...still, the fact that i stand at 4'11½ (the height of most elementary school kids i deal with) practically licenses me to cry. yet i find myself asking permission from my dignity if it's okay to be weak, if it's okay to be vulnerable, if it's okay to be sad.

a third of me is blogging this because if i don't find an outlet, i'll implode. another third thinks i'm being way too open with the i-could-care-less cyberspace community. the final third is trying to convince me that i should do what i want, because the cyberspace community could care less.

the truth of my feelings? i'm not in the happiest mood, i've been so stressed, surprisingly impatient, and i was actually angry that i yelled at someone (yikes). i've lost a lot of trust in some people who are SO full of words yet so empty in action (it's not "love;" look at I John 3.18). i don't do anything fun, i haven't laughed in a while, and i'm actually taking tylenol for headaches. BLAH.

anyway, this post went for weeks without completion because i like to end on good notes. my excuse was that i haven't yet arrived at the good note, and i don't know what the good note would look like either. anything i wanted to say, i didn't really receive, because if i received it, i would've had hope.

faith is the substance of things hoped for.

yet... i'm learning that whether or not i receive it, if God says it, it's truth. and i don't want to be trapped in lies. sometimes you just have to speak truth, even if you don't feel like it.

so here goes the inward struggle of praising God in battle... trying to remember even just a handful of the many things He says....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
To share in His sufferings is to share in the resurrection power.
He promises He will never leave me or abandon me.
"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"
His joy is my strength, He gives a peace that the world cannot give
He will always take care of my heart
This will only make me stronger
He only gives us what we can handle
He always thinks good thoughts towards me
He is ALWAYS good
His ways are higher than mine; He knows what He's doing
I am not in control
I can trust Him
and He loves me.
He will always love me.
His love goes above and beyond.

I feel better now...


Reading: A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (LOVE this book)
Listening: Feist, on shuffle.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

perfect timing.

Recently, while driving amidst bustling traffic, my car died. In fact, it happened in the middle of the intersection. The only thing I knew to do (besides pray), was to put it into neutral and scoot myself inside the car, till it rolled to the nearest curb. What a sight.

When I got home, my mom so "kindly" pointed out that if I'm under an attack, it's never just one area of my life, it's usually everything, with massive, memorable blows: health that deteriorates, finances that disappear, emotions that explode, friendships that sever, work that demands, rumors that slander, death that steals. She's mom. She's right. And it's a pretty crappy state of being.

As my cousins looked at my car, the problem was found out; ironically, in the summer of 2007, while driving the trusty old Nova (aka Little Jimmy), it died for the same reason, in the middle of unhappy afternoon traffic.

It was the timing. (That is to say, the timing belt).

God is pretty funny. I mean, why did the Nova break down on the freeway, during rush hour? Or why did the Civic break down in the middle of an intersection, on my way to a prayer meeting of all things? It's so inconvenient! And the cars broke down because of bad timing, during times when my life was in a season of internal breakdown...

I think it's God's big flashy billboard.

And I heard Him tell me:
If you are not in alignment with God's timing, you're going to break down.
There are tons of things that we can do the further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes (and for me, quite often), it's easy to slip into a performance mode, wanting to do it ALL. But there's a specific time and place for everything. After all, the more I keep "doing," and not paying attention to His timing, His direction, or His will, everything starts to dismantle.

As I sat there on the curbside watching my cousins tweak and test wires and gadgets, I realized that internally, I was running fast and going nowhere. And I needed to get my life straight, else I'd end up like these cars, breaking down in front of everyone, causing havoc and frustration.

I'm putting life on pause for a while. Go ahead and let the other cars pass me by, I'm not in a rush. I want to be sure that everything in me is in order, that I'm in alignment with God's timing, that I'm in the center of His will.

(this is that Nova... the day it ceased to function)



Reading: Stardust, Neil Gaiman
Listening: all Copeland tracks on shuffle
Watching: Bedtime Stories