Sunday, December 26, 2010

on aching, willing love... 2010 part 1.

i have a love-hate relationship with yearly reflections/resolutions.  every day should be a resolve to Love more, to give more, to yearn for God more.  but nonetheless, i resolve, just as i did at the brink of 2009, and reflect, like the entrance of 2010.  journals and old blogs hold the R's of past years in secret.

it is now the close of 2010.  three outstanding lessons pressed upon my heart, this first one being:
1. love out of the heart of God; because we are weak and He is strong.


i have nothing to give.  i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
my words fall like snow, my actions melt within a day, my thoughts take flight with the wind.
i do not own anything, i have no possessions, i can make no claims.

and i say these things, not to insult my Creator
but to exalt that He is everything, and i am nothing - without Him.
i cannot say that i am, for only He IS; only He can say, "I AM."

He is Love.

i cannot even make claims that "I Love," or that i know love, or that i understand love.
but yes, i am learning about Love; i am learning to love - out of the heart of God.

the desire for love is crafted into our individual design.
and for the rest of our lives, we will be at unrest until we find love; maybe we think we have already found love and strangely, are still unsatisfied.
 because we yearn for real Love, that is, GOD Who is Love.

we will forever be confused with grasping the complexity of Love
until we settle it in every crevice of our being:
that God is Love, and every encounter with God is an encounter with Love; every experience of true Love is an experience of God.

i would often struggle with the point of community.
what is it for?  if my existence is meant for the pleasure and worship of YHWH,
why should i be concerned about being open and raw,
knitting heart ties, entrusting myself to another flawed person...
"do not forsake the fellowship of believers" - can we dub that as corporate worship?
i saw no necessity for self-disclosure.

but thoughts like these could only stem from wounds of disappointment, neglect, abandonment.
thoughts like these are petty excuses for the "no trespassing" sign across our souls.
thoughts like these were born after we, in our adventurous naivety, chose to give love, and were bruised when we did not receive love in return.

but is it our place to ask for love?
is it our place to draw attention to our needs?
we don't want to confront anyone with, "when will you ask about me?" or "when's my turn to be cared for?" or "where's my love?"...
because it feels like manipulation.
(it IS manipulation...)
we'd rather they did it out the genuine movements of their spirit, not out of pity.

i wouldn't want someone to love me out of pity.
i don't think we could even call it love.
it's just... pity.

nonetheless, our defense mechanisms fly up in wanting to protect our fragile selves.
because we've trusted(!) and trusted(!) and have been terribly disappointed each time.

The amount of love you have for a person equals the amount of pain or grief that person can cause in your life.

- KV

real love does not rhyme with pain.
no, but real love does mean vulnerability
(yes, that seemingly weak and sensitive word)

for, to be open and vulnerable only means the stabs are fiercer, the wounds are deeper.
the fear becomes greater.
the walls become higher.
the flesh heart becomes harder.

oh where to go from here!
we close ourselves from loving and being loved,
we fade back from hope....

but love believes all things and hopes all things.
and to truly Love,
we must believe fully in God, we must hope fully in God.

i have nothing to give. i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
i cannot say that i have loved or truly know love
but i know God, and to know God is to know Love.

if there is one thing i learned in the first third of 2010, it was to Love out of the heart of God.

love should never expect anything in return. in itself, it is Giving alone.
and for the most part, love can be an aching yet willing sacrifice - a resolution - that takes discipline, endurance, faith, and hope.

indeed, there are possibilities that:

your giving won't be valued or recognized
you'll be rejection
you won't be appreciated
you'll be judged.

Real Love is aware of these things... but still makes the choice to give anyway...
because Real Love gives out of the heart of God.
and God is an endless supply of Truth and Love that satisfies.
and not that it won't ever hurt, but to Love for the sake of God more than the sake of self means that the rejection, judgment, disappointment bears on the back of Jesus Christ Himself - it is His love for us.

the rejection of man cannot touch the affirming Love of Jesus...
He is Love. He satisfies.

Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong...

I am weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me.



images are photos/sketches created this year.  also seen on facebook here.
listened to: Holy by Matt Gilman & Cory Asbury; Immersed and Majestic by various IHOP-KC artists.