Thursday, September 30, 2010


from my post here.

i wish we found beauty and joy as often as it yearns to be found.

i think this would make for a much happier, content, grateful life.
i think it would mean that both our curiosity and angry wonderings will find answers that preface bigger, more meaningful questions.
and i know that in finding beauty and joy, we will find God,
because God can be found in the purity of His creation- and He makes people too.
everyone has even one reason to be loved, and i think when we find that one reason (plus the countless more), we find out why they are beautiful.

i wish we found beauty and joy in people as often as they yearn to be found.

towards the end of today's work, situations set off my student's rude and disrespectful behavior, incidentally making me boil unnaturally.  i went home irate.  maybe i was hungry.  maybe food will make me forget.  maybe food and a movie will make me forget.  maybe food, a movie, and my cat will make me forget.  or maybe i need to remember.  maybe i need to remember that she's quirky, that one, that there are reasons why she makes me laugh.

earlier at lunch, before the crazy outbursts, i was watching my student eat her sandwich.  that is to say, i watched her take apart her sandwich and eat layer by layer individually.  oh wait... rephrase.  i watched her take apart her sandwich, lick each individual layer free of the mayonnaise, re-stack the sandwich, and then eat it - layer by layer.  i wanted to laugh while i gagged my own poor lunch of carrots, granola, berries, and sky flakes.  my stun made for weird noises to add to the viable reasons why most students believe that i am either: A) sixteen, B) an ageless vampire, or C) a gazelle (because, you see, i'm too child-friendly to be a vampire, so i must be 9,999,999,999,999,999 years old.  therefore, next year i'd turning " it billion?  trillion?  gazillion?  is that a word?  maybe it's gazelle... miss k, you're gonna turn into a gazelle next year").  anyway, i made sure my student washed her hands, and i wish i had the rights to cut her nails too in order to prevent a new cozy bed for future and existing mayonnaise globs.  it was disgusting.  but it was funny.  and if i forget something after my food and movie and kitty-cuddles, i want to forget her disrespectful words, her whining, her ridiculous behavior.  i want to forget that i was so ANGRY (with caps!) at her.  and i want to remember that there's beauty and joy in her, and that God enjoys her, and that she is so worth loving.  she is worth loving because God enjoys her.  at the end of the day, THIS (with caps!) is what i should remember.

oh and one more thing... sometimes i reward this girly-girl by letting her paint my nails - with crayola or dry-eraser markers - because they come OFF.  occasionally, she'll even put stickers on my nails.  she really wants me to paint my nails hot pink like hers, but i protest.  she can't make me do that.  today, however, was a coupling of placing star stickers on my nails, and because of her excellent work, coloring them too!  what i failed to notice, to my loss, is that she snuck a SHARPIE to use, and i was stuck with two ugly black nails!!!  the stars peeled off to make a cool effect i would have liked when i was sixteen (adding, yet again, to the different options of who students believe me to be), but not now.  and i am stuck.  with these nails.  i must find remover.  or be forced to paint my nails.



currently watching: Bright Star (oh. yes.)
currently listening: a worship playlist titled "Hello, God!"
currently reading: the book of James

Thursday, September 2, 2010


nothing was outstanding about today.
i went to work.  i read a book.  i did paperwork.

but at the end of this ordinary day, i feel unbelievably dissatisfied.
did i find God today?

did i at least try?

i'm so thankful for His mercies...
they are new every morning.

i'll try again tomorrow.

i want to be found faithful.


currently listening: "Found Faithful" by Justin Rizzo
currently reading: C.S. Lewis