on being forgiven

I cringe when I look at some things in my past- but shouldn't we all? As painful as it can be to look back, it's also comforting, when you recognize that you've grown out of old mistakes and mentalities and changed for the better. It makes me hopeful of my life lately- knowing all things will be made beautiful in His time.

I wrote that a few weeks ago.  I'm rather fond of looking back, even though I probably do it more often than I should.  I read dreams, I read journal entries, I read letters.

Tonight, I looked back, and it didn't make me cringe... It made me cry.

I want so badly to throw myself at the feet at a number of people and mourn out my pitiful sorry.  I cannot believe how hurtful I can be.  I cannot believe how many friendships I ruined.  I cannot believe this was all in my capabilities, and I let it happen.  The ache is choking me.

I am full of shame.  It makes me fearful of trusting again, of building relationships again, of becoming vulnerable again.  Sometimes that statement comes from a fear of not getting hurt - other times, like tonight, it's the fear of hurting others.  Like a once-human beast who has locked herself in a tower, for fear of eating alive the last ones she's loved (in all her faulty definition and understanding of the delicate word). 

As I wallowed in regret, I had to ask myself: what would I do if I were forgiven?

I think there's a place in the human soul that shrinks like a naked mole rat at the first feel of light; that place in the coldest, quietest cranny of the heart that shrieks at the nearness of forgiveness.  It's the place where my flesh wishes to hide behind my spirit, and cannot understand the reality of Love,

that genuine, pure Love willingly forgoes the pain that I have inflicted- and It pursues me.  And It finds me.  And It forgives me.  And for some unknown reason to my rational mind, It desires me - despite the filth that shames me, besides the harm I am capable of.

I cringe when I look back at some things in my past, because my flesh is dying, and my spirit cries out to be Loved.  Really Loved.

And perfect Love casts out all fear.

Before I throw myself at the feet of those I have wounded, I throw myself at the foot of the Beautiful Cross.  His Blood, His Love covers a multitude of sins.

My Beloved Savior, that You would come with Your perfect Love and cast out all fear and shame in me, that You would teach me to accept forgiveness, and live out of forgiveness.  All these human interactions - I cannot do it without first being Loved by You...

Above all, love each other deeply.  For Love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4.8

xo

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currently listening: "Great and Marvelous" by Yvonne Reyes, Worthy of It All

on assuming the best

I've spent a lifetime in disappointment.  Being a disappointment, being disappointed. 

Yearly, a certain situation would repeat itself with different faces, and with each hurtful word or hurtful silence, I've built a wall and stepped back.. built another wall and stepped back.  Eventually I found myself at the edge of the cliff of trust with no option but to fall (or fly? ...I had no hope for this miracle).  With night quickly filling the sky, I spent time staring at the eagerly rising moon. Praying, Pondering.

I thought of the walls behind me.  I thought of the cliff before me.  And I had many questions.  Do these things happen because I cause them?  Because all people are untrustworthy?  Because as is His mysterious nature, God willed this? 

Eventually I stopped all questions... except one request: to have peace.

And that one request was quickly met with all the Love of Abba.. "Yes, child, I am Your peace, and I have always been here."  And He sat beside me.. and He talked to me.

*

I'm learning that (specifically when relating to other believers) I need to assume the best out of people: assume that their intentions are good, assume that their thoughts towards me are for my best, assume they mean no harm.  I'm learning to trust God's work in others: trust that they hear from God; trust that when they say nothing, their silence is God-ordained; trust that when they speak, their words are what God asked them to say.  

I told this revelation to my sister.. she said so kindly with sadness in her voice: "Oh Kat," she sighed. "You're going to be so disappointed..." "I know," I said.  "I know full well."

True.  I know the pain of loving and forgiving and emptiness and sadness.  

Then what difficult lessons these must be!  The continuous expectation that people's thoughts towards me are good- this WILL disappoint my soul.  For are we not human?  Do we not err?  Am I not also subject to the poison of ill-nature and working out my salvation?  I, myself, am in desperate need of mercy for my own imperfections!

However, in assuming the best from people, I leave more than just a margin of grace to let God do as He wills in their lives.  I need to trust that they are on their own journey in discovering God, in discovering how to Love.  I need to forgive.  I need to remember that no one loves as perfectly as God.

So, in the life repetition of trusting, betrayal, and peace, I cannot let myself form relationships with a looming fear of mortality, a fear of failure.  And it reminds me that the fear must have stemmed from not letting my spirit be satisfied by His Love. His love always satisfies, His love always fills.  I must draw from the deep wells of the heart of God.  The verse "we love because He first Loved us" resonates in my soul.  To love anyone will always require Love from God; any other effort will leave one burnt out, dried out, exhausted.

never have we been promised:
"love and you will be loved"
"love and you shall receive"
"love and you will be happy"
"love and you shall be satisfied,"

it will be a while, but soon enough, we'll realize in the core of our souls, that love never promises anything except that we will feel. for as often as we love, so often we hurt. and as often as we give, so often we lose. but even amidst loss and sacrifice and pain, we love because we choose, we love because we are compelled. and as often as we are compelled, so often we know joy. and as often as we purpose, so often we have peace.

but most of all, as often as we encounter Love, so often we encounter God.
and as often as we encounter God, so often we feel loved.

 - Knowing, August 1, 2009

xo

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currently listening: "Never Gonna Leave Me Dry," Cory Asbury, OneThing 2011

psalm 130

The simple cry of my heart before the throne this tired evening.


*

What shall I do in the waiting?
Shall I sit or shall I rise?
I do not want to be idle,
I do not want to be lacking,
I do not want to be found sleeping.

And let not my heart be deceived by Your distance
Guard my heart from the lies that (You are not for me) or (I am forgotten).
Only let me love You more!

What shall I do in the waiting?
Remember You.
Remember the taste of honey upon my bitter lips
Remember the warmth of peace beside my weeping soul
Remember the sound of Life, words of Life;
Melodies of the sweetest kind.

In the waiting, I return to Your words, I return to Your promises..
Remove the anxiety within me,
Only let me love You more!

Out of the depths I cry to You, O LORD;
O LORD, hear my voice.
Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If You, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O LORD, who could stand?
But with You, there is forgiveness, therefore You are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the LORD,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

More than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption.
He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

-Psalm 130.

xo