Sunday, May 6, 2012

on assuming the best

I've spent a lifetime in disappointment.  Being a disappointment, being disappointed. 
Yearly, a certain situation would repeat itself with different faces, and with each hurtful word or hurtful silence, I've built a wall and stepped back.. built another wall and stepped back.  Eventually I found myself at the edge of the cliff of trust with no option but to fall (or fly? ...I had no hope for this miracle).  With night quickly filling the sky, I spent time staring at the eagerly rising moon. Praying, Pondering.

I thought of the walls behind me.  I thought of the cliff before me.  And I had many questions.  Do these things happen because I cause them?  Because all people are untrustworthy?  Because as is His mysterious nature, God willed this? 

Eventually I stopped all questions... except one request: to have peace.
And that one request was quickly met with all the Love of Abba.. "Yes, child, I am Your peace, and I have always been here."  And He sat beside me.. and He talked to me.


I'm learning that (specifically when relating to other believers) I need to assume the best out of people: assume that their intentions are good, assume that their thoughts towards me are for my best, assume they mean no harm.  I'm learning to trust God's work in others: trust that they hear from God; trust that when they say nothing, their silence is God-ordained; trust that when they speak, their words are what God asked them to say.  

I told this revelation to my sister.. she said so kindly with sadness in her voice: "Oh Kat," she sighed. "You're going to be so disappointed..." "I know," I said.  "I know full well."

True.  I know the pain of loving and forgiving and emptiness and sadness.  

Then what difficult lessons these must be!  The continuous expectation that people's thoughts towards me are good- this WILL disappoint my soul.  For are we not human?  Do we not err?  Am I not also subject to the poison of ill-nature and working out my salvation?  I, myself, am in desperate need of mercy for my own imperfections!

However, in assuming the best from people, I leave more than just a margin of grace to let God do as He wills in their lives.  I need to trust that they are on their own journey in discovering God, in discovering how to Love.  I need to forgive.  I need to remember that no one loves as perfectly as God.

So, in the life repetition of trusting, betrayal, and peace, I cannot let myself form relationships with a looming fear of mortality, a fear of failure.  And it reminds me that the fear must have stemmed from not letting my spirit be satisfied by His Love. His love always satisfies, His love always fills.  I must draw from the deep wells of the heart of God.  The verse "we love because He first Loved us" resonates in my soul.  To love anyone will always require Love from God; any other effort will leave one burnt out, dried out, exhausted.

never have we been promised:
"love and you will be loved"
"love and you shall receive"
"love and you will be happy"
"love and you shall be satisfied,"

it will be a while, but soon enough, we'll realize in the core of our souls, that love never promises anything except that we will feel. for as often as we love, so often we hurt. and as often as we give, so often we lose. but even amidst loss and sacrifice and pain, we love because we choose, we love because we are compelled. and as often as we are compelled, so often we know joy. and as often as we purpose, so often we have peace.

but most of all, as often as we encounter Love, so often we encounter God.
and as often as we encounter God, so often we feel loved.

 - Knowing, August 1, 2009



currently listening: "Never Gonna Leave Me Dry," Cory Asbury, OneThing 2011

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