dining.

i know this will be strangely vague... but i need to get it off my back.

**

Something in me just realized - "I don't want that anymore."  And not that I ever really had it - I mean officially and externally - but I did have it somewhere inside of me... somewhere in my thought life I owned it, somewhere in my emotions I owned it, somewhere in my daydreams I owned it.  And it wasn't a bad thing to hope for...

But I don't want it anymore.

I think you can liken it to eating at a new restaurant.  You've seen the pictures, read the reviews, and loved ones have incessantly recommended it to you.  The hype whets your appetite - only to realize that the wait is too long, everything's overpriced, the service is terrible, and they drizzle their desserts with Hershey's chocolate syrup (ultimate FAIL by the way).  Oh and you're under-dressed for the stoic atmosphere.

Well... I've never been to "the restaurant," never eaten the leftovers, but inside of me, I just don't want to go anymore. I no longer have that craving, that hunger, that desire - the thought or idea of it no longer seems appealing.  I'm not appalled by it, just... uninterested.

Perhaps the restaurant was a bad analogy.  Now all I can think of is food service.

But really-
I don't want this anymore.
I don't want to spend my hopes, my anticipation..

And I know that these feelings stem from the fact that I just want God.
I just want God.
I don't want to focus on anything else besides Him.

This morning I was driving to work with a Scripture playing tirelessly in my mind and spirit:

Seek the LORD while He may be found.  Call upon Him while He is near.
-Isaiah 55:6

About a month ago, I came out of a treacherous 6 month dry-spell.  It was more like desert + dark valley.  And the search for His voice, for His face, His affirmations - they seemed pointless, fruitless almost.  So now, as I am out of that desert season and watching His love unfold, I want to take advantage of it and delve into the depths of His glory.  Him and me, hand in hand.  Reveling in the nearness.

I rather have the home-cooked meal than paying for something He can make better.
With the unspoken trust that He created it in reliable Love.
With the comfort of jeans and a hoodie.

That said, I feel like all this other "stuff" can wait... If He brings it to me, so be it, but I'm not going to make it happen, I'm not going to put time and effort into it, I'm not going to twiddle my thumbs in anticipation.  I'd rather spend myself at the feet of Jesus, hearing Him, seeing Him, loving Him, and being loved by Him.  Dining with Him.  Communion.

Maybe one of these days Jesus would want to go out to eat at that restaurant.  But the nice thing is, He's such a gentleman - He is wonderful company, deep and lighthearted, and kind enough to get the tab.  And anyway, no one can make a recommendation like He can.  I'll trust where He takes me.

Whom have I in heaven but You?  And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish; You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.  But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all Your works.
-Psalms 73.25-28

xo



Listening: to absolute silence.

release

we could all use a little (..a lot) of forgiveness.  to have and to give.

and forgiveness never means that what happened is acceptable, nor does it mean that trust or camaraderie will be restored.  but forgiveness does mean that we've released the right to bitterness - unfulfilled revenge.

and what a hard path that is, to ache restlessly from a deep wound, to burn in anger from an offense, to have plotted a victorious comeback that would inflict twice the damage; and then to make a clear resolution, "i will no longer hold it against you."

surely life is not without tension, conflict, wronging, or being wronged.  these are all things that we can liken to the human walk of Jesus.  and He felt anger too - but He always responded with love, forgiveness, and grace.  He truly is.. unconditional.

it's a chore to take forgiveness and tackle the large traumas of our past, but if only we could start with the smaller battles.  luke 17:1 NASB says, "it is inevitable that stumbling blocks should come."  stumbling blocks never refer to gargantuan boulders; you stumble on cracks in the pavement, misplaced rocks, unseen objects in your path.  similarly, let the forgiveness start with minor discrepancies, slightly noticeable inconsistencies, unintended faults.

because especially then, when the heavy offenses come, the tension won't have to escalate by the resurrection of their small irritable habits.  you know what i mean.. when you're angry with someone, every little thing they do that you once tolerated now makes you want to punch their face.  or perhaps something less violent, but just as impacting.

sometimes we think our love is more valuable than God's.
that is to say, God gives His love so freely and so willingly, without demand, without requirements, so full of pure grace...
but we feel that people need to work their way up, meet a standard, and earn our respect, earn our love.  and if their performance has been less than satisfactory, they don't deserve our attention, much less our affections.  and not that we hate them, but we don't truly love them... maybe we do.  maybe it's just cold love.  maybe we could use some forgiveness too.

"So watch yourselves.  If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."  The apostles said to the Lord, "INCREASE OUR FAITH!"  He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you."
-Luke 17:3-6

xo


currently listening: Immersed, by Various IHOP artists
currently reading: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
currently watching: Once.  and listening to the soundtrack.. Falling Slowly is played repeatedly throughout the week.