Tuesday, March 30, 2010


i know this will be strangely vague... but i need to get it off my back.


Something in me just realized - "I don't want that anymore."  And not that I ever really had it - I mean officially and externally - but I did have it somewhere inside of me... somewhere in my thought life I owned it, somewhere in my emotions I owned it, somewhere in my daydreams I owned it.  And it wasn't a bad thing to hope for...

But I don't want it anymore.

I think you can liken it to eating at a new restaurant.  You've seen the pictures, read the reviews, and loved ones have incessantly recommended it to you.  The hype whets your appetite - only to realize that the wait is too long, everything's overpriced, the service is terrible, and they drizzle their desserts with Hershey's chocolate syrup (ultimate FAIL by the way).  Oh and you're under-dressed for the stoic atmosphere.

Well... I've never been to "the restaurant," never eaten the leftovers, but inside of me, I just don't want to go anymore. I no longer have that craving, that hunger, that desire - the thought or idea of it no longer seems appealing.  I'm not appalled by it, just... uninterested.

Perhaps the restaurant was a bad analogy.  Now all I can think of is food service.

But really-
I don't want this anymore.
I don't want to spend my hopes, my anticipation..

And I know that these feelings stem from the fact that I just want God.
I just want God.
I don't want to focus on anything else besides Him.

This morning I was driving to work with a Scripture playing tirelessly in my mind and spirit:
Seek the LORD while He may be found.  Call upon Him while He is near.
-Isaiah 55:6

About a month ago, I came out of a treacherous 6 month dry-spell.  It was more like desert + dark valley.  And the search for His voice, for His face, His affirmations - they seemed pointless, fruitless almost.  So now, as I am out of that desert season and watching His love unfold, I want to take advantage of it and delve into the depths of His glory.  Him and me, hand in hand.  Reveling in the nearness.

I rather have the home-cooked meal than paying for something He can make better.
With the unspoken trust that He created it in reliable Love.
With the comfort of jeans and a hoodie.

That said, I feel like all this other "stuff" can wait... If He brings it to me, so be it, but I'm not going to make it happen, I'm not going to put time and effort into it, I'm not going to twiddle my thumbs in anticipation.  I'd rather spend myself at the feet of Jesus, hearing Him, seeing Him, loving Him, and being loved by Him.  Dining with Him.  Communion.

Maybe one of these days Jesus would want to go out to eat at that restaurant.  But the nice thing is, He's such a gentleman - He is wonderful company, deep and lighthearted, and kind enough to get the tab.  And anyway, no one can make a recommendation like He can.  I'll trust where He takes me.

Whom have I in heaven but You?  And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish; You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.  But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all Your works.
-Psalms 73.25-28


Listening: to absolute silence.

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