on being forgiven

I cringe when I look at some things in my past- but shouldn't we all? As painful as it can be to look back, it's also comforting, when you recognize that you've grown out of old mistakes and mentalities and changed for the better. It makes me hopeful of my life lately- knowing all things will be made beautiful in His time.

I wrote that a few weeks ago.  I'm rather fond of looking back, even though I probably do it more often than I should.  I read dreams, I read journal entries, I read letters.

Tonight, I looked back, and it didn't make me cringe... It made me cry.

I want so badly to throw myself at the feet at a number of people and mourn out my pitiful sorry.  I cannot believe how hurtful I can be.  I cannot believe how many friendships I ruined.  I cannot believe this was all in my capabilities, and I let it happen.  The ache is choking me.

I am full of shame.  It makes me fearful of trusting again, of building relationships again, of becoming vulnerable again.  Sometimes that statement comes from a fear of not getting hurt - other times, like tonight, it's the fear of hurting others.  Like a once-human beast who has locked herself in a tower, for fear of eating alive the last ones she's loved (in all her faulty definition and understanding of the delicate word). 

As I wallowed in regret, I had to ask myself: what would I do if I were forgiven?

I think there's a place in the human soul that shrinks like a naked mole rat at the first feel of light; that place in the coldest, quietest cranny of the heart that shrieks at the nearness of forgiveness.  It's the place where my flesh wishes to hide behind my spirit, and cannot understand the reality of Love,

that genuine, pure Love willingly forgoes the pain that I have inflicted- and It pursues me.  And It finds me.  And It forgives me.  And for some unknown reason to my rational mind, It desires me - despite the filth that shames me, besides the harm I am capable of.

I cringe when I look back at some things in my past, because my flesh is dying, and my spirit cries out to be Loved.  Really Loved.

And perfect Love casts out all fear.

Before I throw myself at the feet of those I have wounded, I throw myself at the foot of the Beautiful Cross.  His Blood, His Love covers a multitude of sins.

My Beloved Savior, that You would come with Your perfect Love and cast out all fear and shame in me, that You would teach me to accept forgiveness, and live out of forgiveness.  All these human interactions - I cannot do it without first being Loved by You...

Above all, love each other deeply.  For Love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4.8

xo

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currently listening: "Great and Marvelous" by Yvonne Reyes, Worthy of It All