a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy

oh what a year.
a beautiful year.
a very beautiful year.

2008 was rather painful for me. It was drenched in ache and loss and brokenness. A lot of shaking. I learned about cost and worth - I loved, but love turned to sacrifice, and sacrifice turned to compromise. And I was garbled in a cloud of voices and opinions and degrading... That even the voice of God faded into the distance. I missed Him.



So I resolved that in 2009, I would return to my true Love... I would pursue Him.

I will search all through the night, and when I find Him, I will not let Him go.
- Song of Solomon 3; "I Will Search," Rick Pino

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my Beloved, tell him I am LOVESICK!
- Song of Solomon 5.8

Thus, 2009 became a beautiful lovesick pursuit of the Holy.
And among the numerous ways the LORD revealed Himself, above all, I treasure the gift of relationships. Friendlationships. This year, God put people in my life who I've been praying for before I even met - people I'll cherish much (times infinity). And without intention, they taught me to embrace my God-given personality and identity, to pursue a Holy God, to be vulnerable yet wise. They taught me to love - freely, without reservation.

(and she's just one of them)

With the expansion of my affections came the expansion of my intercession. My heart would be stirred by the injust, merciless, and declining society. God put opportunities in my path without my searching for it: from Bound4LIFE, to the web design for Stand for Life Hawaii.. all the way to becoming a special education paraprofessional.

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the LORD, do not keep silent, and give Him no rest till He establishes and makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth.
-Isaiah 62.6-7

But I also babysat, took care of a handicap elder (plus about 200 other things). The danger with all that work, coupled with an intense call to holiness, and having been surrounded by "ministry," is that they can be rather draining. And I burnt out.

In no way was 09 a perfect year; searching through the night can be rather disappointing and tiring. In fact, the call to holiness became a religious spirit that bound me - but only because I lost sight of why I did it. If I were to pursue Him, it ought to be out of LOVE, not obligation. To love Him is to know Him. Upon knowing Him, we become Him. And who He is, is holy. But it all starts out in love.

You provide the fire, I'll provide the sacrifice.
- "Fill Me Up," United Pursuit Band

After that, I felt His presence was removed from me, or at least, it felt like a wilderness. At night. Still, God did tell me one thing - to worship. Interestingly enough, in the very same season, I had increased opportunities to collaborate in leading prophetic worship. The reasoning to still worship? Because whether or not I feel, see, or hear Him, He is still God, and He is still worthy of my worship. In every situation, I must worship Him in all His glory and holiness, in absolute faith that He finds it to be a pleasant sound, a fragrant love offering, a sweet incense in His chambers.

You will be my song in the night, my strength in the fire.
- "I Will See Your Glory," Tim Reimherr

I sleep, but my heart is awake
- Song of Solomon 5:2

Being in a wilderness at night -with all artificial lights shut off- is the most opportune time to see the multitudes of stars in all their brilliance. His Word is unchanging, His promises are secure, and His Word is alive. And I know that in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy, I can find Him in His Word - He is waiting, revealing that all the while, He was in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of me.

When will You come to me? When will You dwell with me? I am longing for Your nearness, come meet me in Your Word!
- Mary of Bethany session, OneThing 06

I make no concrete resolutions for each year (although I have some for the rest of my life), because God always supersedes my expectations. But I do want to be sure that the things He's taught me, I've truly learned (I wouldn't want to exit 2010 knowing 09 repeated itself). In Jesus' name, 2010 will be a great and glorious year. Another lovesick pursuit.

No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you’ve seen and heard it because God by his Spirit
has brought it all out into the open before you.
The Spirit dives into the depths of God,
and brings out what God planned all along.
- 1 cor 2:9-10

xo



Not my best photos of the year in their entirety, but I tried to be fitting :)
Currently Listening: Paint Your Picture by Julie Meyer

big girls don't cry

...still, the fact that i stand at 4'11½ (the height of most elementary school kids i deal with) practically licenses me to cry. yet i find myself asking permission from my dignity if it's okay to be weak, if it's okay to be vulnerable, if it's okay to be sad.

a third of me is blogging this because if i don't find an outlet, i'll implode. another third thinks i'm being way too open with the i-could-care-less cyberspace community. the final third is trying to convince me that i should do what i want, because the cyberspace community could care less.

whatev.
the truth of my feelings? i'm not in the happiest mood, i've been so stressed, surprisingly impatient, and i was actually angry that i yelled at someone (yikes). i've lost a lot of trust in some people who are SO full of words yet so empty in action (it's not "love;" look at I John 3.18). i don't do anything fun, i haven't laughed in a while, and i'm actually taking tylenol for headaches. BLAH.

anyway, this post went for weeks without completion because i like to end on good notes. my excuse was that i haven't yet arrived at the good note, and i don't know what the good note would look like either. anything i wanted to say, i didn't really receive, because if i received it, i would've had hope.

faith is the substance of things hoped for.

yet... i'm learning that whether or not i receive it, if God says it, it's truth. and i don't want to be trapped in lies. sometimes you just have to speak truth, even if you don't feel like it.

so here goes the inward struggle of praising God in battle... trying to remember even just a handful of the many things He says....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
To share in His sufferings is to share in the resurrection power.
He promises He will never leave me or abandon me.
"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"
His joy is my strength, He gives a peace that the world cannot give
He will always take care of my heart
This will only make me stronger
He only gives us what we can handle
He always thinks good thoughts towards me
He is ALWAYS good
His ways are higher than mine; He knows what He's doing
I am not in control
I can trust Him
and He loves me.
He will always love me.
His love goes above and beyond.


I feel better now...



xo


--
Reading: A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (LOVE this book)
Listening: Feist, on shuffle.

perfect timing.

Recently, while driving amidst bustling traffic, my car died. In fact, it happened in the middle of the intersection. The only thing I knew to do (besides pray), was to put it into neutral and scoot myself inside the car, till it rolled to the nearest curb. What a sight.

When I got home, my mom so "kindly" pointed out that if I'm under an attack, it's never just one area of my life, it's usually everything, with massive, memorable blows: health that deteriorates, finances that disappear, emotions that explode, friendships that sever, work that demands, rumors that slander, death that steals. She's mom. She's right. And it's a pretty crappy state of being.

As my cousins looked at my car, the problem was found out; ironically, in the summer of 2007, while driving the trusty old Nova (aka Little Jimmy), it died for the same reason, in the middle of unhappy afternoon traffic.

It was the timing. (That is to say, the timing belt).

God is pretty funny. I mean, why did the Nova break down on the freeway, during rush hour? Or why did the Civic break down in the middle of an intersection, on my way to a prayer meeting of all things? It's so inconvenient! And the cars broke down because of bad timing, during times when my life was in a season of internal breakdown...

I think it's God's big flashy billboard.

And I heard Him tell me:

If you are not in alignment with God's timing, you're going to break down.

There are tons of things that we can do the further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes (and for me, quite often), it's easy to slip into a performance mode, wanting to do it ALL. But there's a specific time and place for everything. After all, the more I keep "doing," and not paying attention to His timing, His direction, or His will, everything starts to dismantle.

As I sat there on the curbside watching my cousins tweak and test wires and gadgets, I realized that internally, I was running fast and going nowhere. And I needed to get my life straight, else I'd end up like these cars, breaking down in front of everyone, causing havoc and frustration.

I'm putting life on pause for a while. Go ahead and let the other cars pass me by, I'm not in a rush. I want to be sure that everything in me is in order, that I'm in alignment with God's timing, that I'm in the center of His will.

(this is that Nova... the day it ceased to function)

xo


---

Reading: Stardust, Neil Gaiman
Listening: all Copeland tracks on shuffle
Watching: Bedtime Stories

The Struggle of the Not-So-Super Human

It's a familiar - and false - mentality that: "Christians should always have joy, and you are being a terrible example to those young in faith if you start to reveal that your life is crumbling. What kind of testimony would that be!? You can't witness if you're not happy!"

And that, my friends, is how I have been conditioned growing up. I suppose a good percentage of people had the convenience of having a surrounding that encouraged them to "find themselves" and to "be who they want." Lucky for them, to be who they want could be an external or internal choice. But to tell me (or anyone) that we should always put on a "happy face" is actually not a demand for our outward appearance, it's the breaking of our inner confidence.

Here is what I mean, via my own personal experience:
People told tell me that I could be a lawyer or an artist or a preacher or a nurse, basically whatever I wanted, and the choice was ultimately mine. But their reactions to my lifestyle also told me that I was forbidden to reveal my weaknesses. The results were devastating. I wore all sorts of uniforms of varying professions. But the reason I could not settle (strangely, I'm still unsettled?) was due to the fact that in my head, I rehearsed to myself that unless I have perfection AND a happy face on, I am a disappointment to Jesus, a bad example to people, a inefficient testimony, a fraud, a failure, a waste of life. We can see how this stems into a terrible sense of worth. What I mean is, I felt like my life was worth something only if I was at perfection. Below perfection, I felt the dissatisfaction of peers and superiors. I felt secure if I had the approval of the hardest critics. I felt devastated if I received a bit of critique. With this kind of standard, I remained under the impression that I "failed" at everything, thus, I needed to change career direction.

Of course, the fact that I am not superhuman or perfect means YES I did (and still do!) have areas of weakness. So in aiming for approval ratings, my vices of choice were little white lies, jumbled priorities and "flirting" with the critics for a two-thumbs up. [Flirting = not literal.]

Let us just say, I lived out of fear.

Frankly, I hate being plastic. Anyone who's experienced "the mask" eventually realizes that it suffocates you more than liberates you. Yet, even though we "know" this, the reason so many people still go back to it is because it's like a security blanket. And yet, security blankets are childish, and wearing masks is immature.

Am I advocating a parade of our faults? Nooo way. Complaining is to the devil what praise is to God. And in any case, it's not necessary (or smart?) to spill your life story to the next stranger on the elevator. However, to hide is to lie.

The route to take, in all sincerity, is surrender to God. It's the route that says, "Yes, I am having an area that I am struggling with, BUT I am in faith that God will [etc etc etc]."
What I'm saying is that I learned all the proper phraseology, but never learned to do it first. Talk is super cheap. A surrendered life does have a countenance of joy, peace, happiness, and love - and you have no shame, you're not walking on eggshells afraid the mask will fall off - because there is no mask. The joy is deep as marrow, and it's real. Your situations, your weaknesses are very real too. But, you know Truth.

I am writing all this with the thought that I am plagued by it as much as I used to - praise God. But also because it's partially the reason I haven't written in a while. I felt under the weather (both physically and spiritually) and it did not seem like I could say anything out of a place of brokenness. And the perfection gig? It is SO much more intense. In fact, while writing this blog, I can't help but think that I better have something encouraging to say or else it will really look like I'm out of touch with God.

So here's my honest-honest-honest closing thoughts, regarding myself and you:
I struggle being vulnerable, but I would like to be. I feel like people have only come to know purposefully-selected areas of accomplishment and success, and therefore, so many people have a false perception of me. Currently, I crave God, but I feel like it's not enough. My soul literally longs for Him, but laziness has got in the way.
And amidst all this, I do fight to praise Him anyway.
Because when the battle is fierce, you have to fight even harder!

In the end, I'm not going to suggest you spill your problems, nor am I suggesting you only give happy reports. I am, however, going to suggest that you simply be honest. Because the mouth speaks out of the heart. You'll either be speaking out of a surrendered heart, or a troubled heart, and believe me, even if you are a troubled heart, there is always room for grace, prayer, restoration, and repentance.

...In this world you will have trouble. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world!
-John 16.33

xo



Reading: Wicked by Gregory Maguire
Listening to: Brooke Waggoner
Watching: political commentaries

Midnite Thoughts

I would like my sleep to get back into order. Please.
But since I'm awake, mightaswell share some thoughts.

I am not in control.
I am not God - I am His daughter.
I am not Jesus - I am His sister.
I am not the Holy Spirit - I am His friend.

My job is not to force people to make certain decisions. They have their own will.
My job is to show them the Way.

My job is not to condemn the world of sin, or to convict them or judge them. God is the ultimate Judge. The Holy Spirit is the believer's Conscience. I am the vessel of Love.

I was not asked to point fingers. I was asked to have the fruit of the Spirit - including kindness, self-control, patience, gentleness.

I have no right to cast the first, last, or any stone.


BUT

As a sister, as a friend, as a member of the Body, I will not tolerate sickness, even if this means a sick mind. I will not tolerate lies. I will not tolerate my brothers and siblings being lied to by the enemy. Nor will I tolerate if they live as a result of believing these lies. I will not tolerate manipulation or deceit or sly foxes. I have every right to exercising the authority of the Kingdom, which means casting out these demons. I have every right to demand my life back - their lives back - and demand he pays back sevenfold. I have every right to the Truth, and declaring the Truth.

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are running in the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom.
-Song of Solomon 2.15

I need sleep.
Maybe this will all make sense in the morning.



xo

2008: Over and Out!

A few more hours until the back cover closes this crazy novel.
What a terrain this year had! I feel like the first 6 months were an influx of the Holy Spirit over my life, and the last 6 months was the infestation of pests to distract me from everything originally spoken. Ultimately, it's a sift of what is temporal, what is eternal, and whether I have the discernment to keep or discard.

I can say this much: I've found greater facets of the heart of God.

And you can't love without getting hurt. God never disappoints us, but the sacrifices, the stripping of flesh, the death to self, the stepping out of His love - frankly, it hurts. So that's what this year was full of: loving God and feeling the pain of sacrifice and the repercussions of mistakes.


Here are my resolutions... for the rest of my life:

• I will love, honor, and respect Him first.
  
• I will not live in regret. I will look at my mistakes, look at the right thing to do, and praise God for giving me the ability to do the right thing next time. I will praise Him because He does not condemn me, and therefore:
• I will not live in self-condemnation. OR self-pity. I will not apologize for the call of God over my life, or for the way that He has made me. What HE says counts! What others say, what others think, what I think others think, DOES NOT COUNT. And yet,
• I will not place security in what I know. I will not live in pride or false pride. I will learn what true humility is, and I will not rely on knowledge.
• I will keep my spirit open. I do not, and will not, know everything there is to know about God. I do not want to be offended when I realize Truth.
• I will say what He speaks, do what He would do, go where He goes.
• I will love, forgive, and extend grace. I have been a fool too, and will forever be in need of a Savior. It is never my place to cast the first, second, last, or any stone. God is the only Judge, but He still imparts the spirit of discernment, and I cannot deny Him the revelations He wants to give me.
• I will be a woman of my word.
• I will exercise self-control. I will seek the Spirit for boundary lines - what I need to partake, abstain, or take in moderation.
• I will not settle for anything less than God's best. No more compromises. I cannot sacrifice my identity, my standards, or my God-given desires on behalf of someone or something that would only satisfy or fill me temporarily.
• I will seek affirmation from Christ. I cannot rely on people to affirm my God-given identity, and yet, I will not diminish the words that God speaks through them. God has given me a life with the fullness of Him, and to 'weaken' or deny their words is an expression of ungratefulness.
• I will live what I believe. Talk is cheap.

What did I really learn this year?
I learned that the love of God, and His words, will always supercede what everyone else says. And yet, I cannot let go of the fellowship I have with people. I need them, and I need to also recognize that I have a place in this body too. I cannot isolate myself, and I cannot idolize people.

I need balance.


I am looking forward to 2009. I want to close the wounds and start fresh. God has planted dreams and visions in my heart, and I am expecting a turnaround!



xo