my immediate interpretation is that they are meant to teach me patience.
in reality, they uncover my impatience, my anger, my selfishness.
i'm not as strong as i thought i was.
yes.. these things are also uncovering my pride.
for a good bulk of this year (all 3 months of them), i have been edgy, antsy, snappy.
(is that externally accurate?)
i think we can word it as bitter, resentful, enraged, angry. very, very angry.
it is untruthful to say i've "never been this angry," but i can say to my remembrance, my anger has not consistently outwardly manifested to this degree.
and God bless my dear friends who have run after me, prayed for me, loved on me.
in fact,
there was one instance when i came to the House of Prayer as a complete wreckage
so in that very moment, we dashed over to the neighborhood beach and..
jumped into the ocean.
in our work clothes.
until our skins were pruned
until the sun went down
until the moon rose.
then all intensity multiplied..
and there was only so much my heart could take.
i looked forward to Thursday, March 10, 2011. because at 2:00pm, it indicated the beginning of ten days of absolutely no work.
and i anticipated utter relaxation, full of painting, chiropractic care, and absolutely - much more Jesus time.
but i came home, and the first thing i had learned was that my grandmother's sister, Apo Maria, had passed away.
at the beautifully ripe age of 105. (her age secret? she speaks no english, and she doesn't watch the news).
she was old, but i had not seen this coming. my heart sank into a realm of numbness.
oh sorrow - you had the beginning of my break.
i tried to hide away in the girls' room that Thursday evening
hiding, yet surrounded by my comforting sisters.
i attempted to trek the night weeping silently and sleep early.
suddenly a hustling - our state of Hawaii had received a tsunami watch due to the tragic earthquake in Japan.
and our House, albeit right out of the safe zone, was full of transplanted young adults who had never experienced a tsunami watch or warning.
and they all wanted to dash out.
i was irate.
i wanted to be left in the house - let me sleep on the top bunk, if the waves come, it won't touch me. i wanted full sleep.
but no. i had to leave.
no one would leave me alone at the House.
we crowded about about 15 people into a friend's duplex
which meant that i was granted the floor mat in the laundry room.
[perfectly fine, except i have a bad knee].
oh yes, we were all feeling the effects of sleeplessness.
equals... terrible grouchiness.
it's expected to say that i would be, yet again, irate, and perhaps restless.
but instead, my anger had halted.
what was i to say to the LORD?
"Hey God, could You take my grandma's life on another day? today isn't a good day for me."
"Hey God, could You hit Japan with an earthquake some other time? i don't want to be around paranoid non-locals over a tsunami watch because i would like to sleep."
REALLY? HOW SELFISH AM I!
i have no reason to be angry! this is pure selfishness!
and how terrible the things that the LORD uses to summon my attention.
if only i really had the fruit of the Spirit abounding in my heart
if only i was so full of His presence, that He could be seen and felt in my actions and words - without me straining to do so.
if only i were naturally patient, self-controlled, loving, peaceful.
if only i could know joy - true unfazed joy -
if only my praise was effortless, as a result of genuine love for my LORD....
then none of the things i have had to face would have compared to His beauty.
how terrible that we face numerous frustrations with a selfish pity call for comfort
- and yes, we all want comfort!
but we seek it in places other than His arms,
frustrated that the world does not cater to our longings.
and we are left angry at everything that does not line up with our lives.
needless to say, i am definitely in conviction mode.
xo
currently watching: toy story 3
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