my health.

post-its on the wall, 2010

I laid on my floor for an extended period of time.  My body was pained and fatigued, and so was my hope.  I'm nearing the two year mark since the doctors gave my diagnosis and told me that I could resume my normal routine, "granted, you don't do anything.  But seeing that no one, not even you, can make you do nothing for two years, it may be much longer."  As I laid on my floor, I ruminated on the reality of the "much longer."  In the past two years, the problem areas have been improving (Allelu!) but at the expense of depending on stronger areas of my body - which are now beginning to cave in.  I felt the beginning signs of serious strains in my lower body.  My feet are caving in.  If it's not one thing, it's another - a never-ending cycle (well, I guess.. it's chronic..)

And in thinking about this "much longer," my fears began escalating.  Will I really be a cripple before I'm 30?  Will I never get to do the things I love?  What kind of job can I have with my condition?  How will I pay off all my loans?  Even to the far end - Can I really afford (in every sense) to have a family?

This mental tornado is not new.  It happens quite often, and it always ends in tears.  It's a built-in cavity in the human soul to search for purpose and yearn to fulfill it.  I am dissatisfied to think my life is THIS limited because of my physical inability.  It is wildly discouraging, especially because I remember what it is like to be capable.

A whisper of optimism nudges me: what if I am convinced that my purpose is something that is actually different than what God's purpose is?  What if my frustrations are borne out of disillusionment?  There is still hope for my future, then.

I went into the Word and read Hebrews 10. Verses 32 thru 39 moved me.  In paraphrase:
Remember the explosive feeling in your spirit when you first saw and felt the Light and its warmth?  Remember the joy of new revelations and understanding His Truths? Remember your passion?  Remember your eagerness?  Remember your ambition when you believed? -when you were full of faith?
You suffered freely, because you knew, as much as faith "knows," that there is goodness and eternity to be had.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.” But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.
- Hebrews 10.35-39

I cannot tell you how difficult it's been to believe the promises in regards to my health.  But I must believe, I must be confident operate in the promises despite the pain.  I cannot let worry make a home in my imaginations.

I never like to mention my health because I'm constantly wary about talking so specifically about my personal life to an audience of many or no one.  When I think of social media as a whole (facebook, twitter, whatever media you choose), a large ratio of communication is shallow and impersonal (though thank the Lord, not all!  Genuine still exists).  But I began thinking that I need to forego my disdain for the pseudo relationships, be humble, and ask for prayer.  Or encouragement.  Something.

So if you think of me, please pray for me.
Pray as the Lord leads, but I feel that beyond praying for a miracle of healing, if you could pray for my heart.  I don't want to be full of fear, I want to abound in faith.  I don't want to accept my pain, I want to contend for my healing.  I don't want to be hopeless, I want to walk in the fulness of God's promises for my life.  I don't want to be anxious about anything, but take everything to God in prayer.  I want to sincerely love and praise God in every season of my soul, whether a miracle comes or He silently lets me wait.  I want patience and joy in the waiting, I want to think better of my future.  I want my soul to prosper before my health prospers.

I want to hope again.  I want to dream again.  Dream without limits, ignoring the setbacks, believing Truth.



As honestly as I can say this - thank you.  Little prayers go a long way.
xo


currently listening: Jeremy Riddle

on contentment

Ascend the Hill - "Spend It All - Live"

I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty, or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

- Philippians 4:11-13

The infamous verse of "doing all things" is less about abilities and possibilities, and more about being wholly content with God Himself. It can be difficult for our practical minds to imagine what that would look like - to be fully content and satisfied with having God alone.
(What a concept, right?  To trust Him with everything?..)

Circumstances become the scale of character and trust.  Needs and wants arise, and the scales often tip to the side of anxiety, stress, and worry.  An influx of blessings and goodness appear, and the scales tip with a little less faith and a lot more self-sufficiency.  But the scales should never move.  In the chance of emptiness or overflow, the eyes that gaze only upon the Lord are steady, unfazed.
I recall the prayer of the Proverbs writer:

...Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.  Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, "Who is the Lord?"  Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.
- Proverbs 30.8-9

Ah but that would be suspiciously simple, yes?  To have what we need when we need it, and it is just enough?  Too bad we are always unsatisfied, though.  God gave the Israelites manna and quail, and they grumbled.  It's hard to realize that God has and is giving us our daily bread, and instead of being grateful, we search for something more.  We are discontented.

And so we do things like taking Philippians 4.13 out of context.  We tell ourselves that we can strive for greater goods because we can do all things, right?  He'll give me strength, right?
That whole argument must sadden the heart of God- He becomes the means, not the reward, and fulfillment is an idol.

Paul had found satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment in knowing and loving God alone.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him...
- Philippians 3.8-9

"I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST!" he says, like it is the beginning and end of his existence (and it is). He is driven by this mystery, and yet it completes him and strengthens him, enough to let his whole being be sure: nothing else matters - not life, death - none of these things can separate love from me, and it is this Love that strengthens me to endure the famine, persecution, the sword, or the plenty, the excess, the blessings.  I am content in all situations because I have God, and He has me.

That, my friends, is where I want my heart to be.

It's American Thanksgiving, and it's easy to list off things of gratitude in this season.  But I want it to be more than a list.  I want to recognize that my fulfillment and contentment is found in Christ alone, but because He is so rich in mercy and grace, He chooses to bless me because His delight is in me. I want to look at these blessings, from family and friendships, to provisions and a job, to all the seemingly trite things that prove His care for me - and still be content with God alone.  And when I think about the things I do not yet have, like healing or debt cancellation, I still want to be content with God alone.

I want it to be true, that I could do all things, or nothings, have many things, or have less - but it is the fulfillment I have in God that daily gives me strength.  This is what I am grateful for.


xo



currently listening: Ascend the Hill
currently reading: Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (I'm serious..)
currently watching: Gone with the Wind

on strength

I've been in a funk lately, Most Days are harder than others.  Most Days, I end up crying on my floor questioning my existence and why history repeats itself and why the heck do I have no comfort foods or drinks or tissue at arms reach.  I'd punch Jesus if He were next to me- not because I hate Him, but because it feels safe to be angry in His presence than away from His presence.  He welcomes me regardless of the state that I am in.

There are very rare Other Days, when I am not so restless, when I actually feel tugs on my heart to read a little more of the Word and pray a little longer, I hear Him speak.  And I remember what it is like to be in communion with Him.  These Other Days are rare -very, very rare- so I cherish them.

On these very rare Other Days, there's one passage of Scripture that's remained in my spirit - I Samuel 30. In this passage, David and his army had returned to the Negev/Ziklag to find that their enemies, the Amalekites, had plundered and burned the city, and taken the women and children.

So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
I Samuel 30:3

Met with this devastation, I cannot imagine the pressure on David's shoulders to lead men of sorrow - they were bitter and talked of stoning him.  That kind of loss is an erosion, and it can strip off grief, anxiety, anger, leaving one near lifeless.  Yet it's David's reaction that resonates in my spirit:

"But David strengthened himself in the Lord."
I Samuel 30:6

To be raw, I don't have anyone who is constantly reliable, or dependable, holding me accountable, or even present.  And it can be discouraging to not have encouragement or motivation when I could use it.  It's discouraging to not have company, period.  David had it much worse, he didn't have the ones he loved (his wives were taken), and his company wanted to kill him.  So what did he do?  He strengthened himself in the Lord.  He found encouragement in the Lord.  There are more lessons to be found in David's ensuing victory and the full return of loss, and surely these things came from the hand of grace.  It came from the strength of the Lord.

My recent situations have left me borderline apathetic.  But with what emotion I have left, I weep.  With what ability I have left, I pray.  And there is no prayer too small, I believe God honors these small prayers.  I find my strength in Him.  I must find my strength in Him.  And maybe He's been quiet, but He's never been far, and sometimes I hang by the comforting thread that He's never abandoned me.

Dear friends, Strengthen yourself in the Lord.

God is our refuge and strength
an EVER-PRESENT help in trouble
Psalm 46.1

When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalm 93.19

xo


currently reading: East of Eden, John Steinbeck
currently listening: "On My Knees," Seryn