Thursday, December 13, 2012

my health.

post-its on the wall, 2010

I laid on my floor for an extended period of time.  My body was pained and fatigued, and so was my hope.  I'm nearing the two year mark since the doctors gave my diagnosis and told me that I could resume my normal routine, "granted, you don't do anything.  But seeing that no one, not even you, can make you do nothing for two years, it may be much longer."  As I laid on my floor, I ruminated on the reality of the "much longer."  In the past two years, the problem areas have been improving (Allelu!) but at the expense of depending on stronger areas of my body - which are now beginning to cave in.  I felt the beginning signs of serious strains in my lower body.  My feet are caving in.  If it's not one thing, it's another - a never-ending cycle (well, I guess.. it's chronic..)

And in thinking about this "much longer," my fears began escalating.  Will I really be a cripple before I'm 30?  Will I never get to do the things I love?  What kind of job can I have with my condition?  How will I pay off all my loans?  Even to the far end - Can I really afford (in every sense) to have a family?

This mental tornado is not new.  It happens quite often, and it always ends in tears.  It's a built-in cavity in the human soul to search for purpose and yearn to fulfill it.  I am dissatisfied to think my life is THIS limited because of my physical inability.  It is wildly discouraging, especially because I remember what it is like to be capable.

A whisper of optimism nudges me: what if I am convinced that my purpose is something that is actually different than what God's purpose is?  What if my frustrations are borne out of disillusionment?  There is still hope for my future, then.

I went into the Word and read Hebrews 10. Verses 32 thru 39 moved me.  In paraphrase:
Remember the explosive feeling in your spirit when you first saw and felt the Light and its warmth?  Remember the joy of new revelations and understanding His Truths? Remember your passion?  Remember your eagerness?  Remember your ambition when you believed? -when you were full of faith?
You suffered freely, because you knew, as much as faith "knows," that there is goodness and eternity to be had.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.” But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.
- Hebrews 10.35-39

I cannot tell you how difficult it's been to believe the promises in regards to my health.  But I must believe, I must be confident operate in the promises despite the pain.  I cannot let worry make a home in my imaginations.

I never like to mention my health because I'm constantly wary about talking so specifically about my personal life to an audience of many or no one.  When I think of social media as a whole (facebook, twitter, whatever media you choose), a large ratio of communication is shallow and impersonal (though thank the Lord, not all!  Genuine still exists).  But I began thinking that I need to forego my disdain for the pseudo relationships, be humble, and ask for prayer.  Or encouragement.  Something.

So if you think of me, please pray for me.
Pray as the Lord leads, but I feel that beyond praying for a miracle of healing, if you could pray for my heart.  I don't want to be full of fear, I want to abound in faith.  I don't want to accept my pain, I want to contend for my healing.  I don't want to be hopeless, I want to walk in the fulness of God's promises for my life.  I don't want to be anxious about anything, but take everything to God in prayer.  I want to sincerely love and praise God in every season of my soul, whether a miracle comes or He silently lets me wait.  I want patience and joy in the waiting, I want to think better of my future.  I want my soul to prosper before my health prospers.

I want to hope again.  I want to dream again.  Dream without limits, ignoring the setbacks, believing Truth.

As honestly as I can say this - thank you.  Little prayers go a long way.

currently listening: Jeremy Riddle

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