Tuesday, January 1, 2013

the 2012

I did not particularly like 2012, and for that reason I am upset with myself for not carrying joy in higher regard.

In the first three months, God dug deep into my heart and redeemed an area that for a long time had been so secretly destructive.  But following my breakthrough, that is to say, the remainder nine months of this year, it was a fight, a struggle, a desert, a sickness.  My responses have teetered between waves of weeping and apathy, the latter occurring when I run out of tears.  It must have been over five years that I have been consumed by sorrow to this degree.

Surely I am not without blame; a portion of this season is circumstantial consequence.  I could have pushed further.  I could have ignored compromise.  I could have exercised more faith, more trust, more peace in the waiting.  But the restlessness of uncertainty consumed my thoughts, and I would forget to "be still and know that He is God."

But despite my reigning sorrow, I must fall back onto grace.  I cannot let regret be the pride that keeps me from freedom.  Every moment is a new chance to start over, and I will let this moment, this entrance into the new year, be my chance to start over.  To re-commit, to challenge myself, to fight complacency.
I have wandered long enough in 2012's desert.  I must ignore the naysayers that declare the cliche of heart-changing at midnight, and let these moments be the crossing of the Jordan.

It's never been more difficult to believe that God has great plans for my future, but the truth is that He does.  And maybe it's not going to look like any dream I've held onto all my life, maybe it's not going to involve any skill I've learned to hone in on over the years.  Everything I have, know, and love are gifts that He can choose to give and take away.  And through it all, I must lean on the promises of His Word, everything about His faithfulness, goodness, and love.

This year, I want to let go.  Let it all go.  My fears, my anxieties, my sorrows - they are all rooted in my inability to trust God.  And I must trust Him.  Only He can make all things new.

I will remain confident in this - I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD.  Be strong and take heart, and wait for the LORD.
- Psalm 27.13-14


currently reading: One Hundred Years of Solitude

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