Thursday, October 25, 2012

on strength

I've been in a funk lately, Most Days are harder than others.  Most Days, I end up crying on my floor questioning my existence and why history repeats itself and why the heck do I have no comfort foods or drinks or tissue at arms reach.  I'd punch Jesus if He were next to me- not because I hate Him, but because it feels safe to be angry in His presence than away from His presence.  He welcomes me regardless of the state that I am in.

There are very rare Other Days, when I am not so restless, when I actually feel tugs on my heart to read a little more of the Word and pray a little longer, I hear Him speak.  And I remember what it is like to be in communion with Him.  These Other Days are rare -very, very rare- so I cherish them.

On these very rare Other Days, there's one passage of Scripture that's remained in my spirit - I Samuel 30. In this passage, David and his army had returned to the Negev/Ziklag to find that their enemies, the Amalekites, had plundered and burned the city, and taken the women and children.

So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
I Samuel 30:3

Met with this devastation, I cannot imagine the pressure on David's shoulders to lead men of sorrow - they were bitter and talked of stoning him.  That kind of loss is an erosion, and it can strip off grief, anxiety, anger, leaving one near lifeless.  Yet it's David's reaction that resonates in my spirit:

"But David strengthened himself in the Lord."
I Samuel 30:6

To be raw, I don't have anyone who is constantly reliable, or dependable, holding me accountable, or even present.  And it can be discouraging to not have encouragement or motivation when I could use it.  It's discouraging to not have company, period.  David had it much worse, he didn't have the ones he loved (his wives were taken), and his company wanted to kill him.  So what did he do?  He strengthened himself in the Lord.  He found encouragement in the Lord.  There are more lessons to be found in David's ensuing victory and the full return of loss, and surely these things came from the hand of grace.  It came from the strength of the Lord.

My recent situations have left me borderline apathetic.  But with what emotion I have left, I weep.  With what ability I have left, I pray.  And there is no prayer too small, I believe God honors these small prayers.  I find my strength in Him.  I must find my strength in Him.  And maybe He's been quiet, but He's never been far, and sometimes I hang by the comforting thread that He's never abandoned me.

Dear friends, Strengthen yourself in the Lord.

God is our refuge and strength
an EVER-PRESENT help in trouble
Psalm 46.1

When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalm 93.19


currently reading: East of Eden, John Steinbeck
currently listening: "On My Knees," Seryn

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