Sunday, October 14, 2012


shadows on the ceiling

There are some days where the presence of God is not as tangible as others. 
Is He distant?  Am I distant?  Is this one of those "walk quietly" paths?
On these days, sometimes I wonder if I'm not pursuing God enough.
Maybe I'm not praying enough, or reading my Word enough, or worshipping enough.
And on these days, sometimes I wonder if the disciplines of prayer and study and worship have turned into "striving."
Maybe I am supposed to rest, or supposed to wait, or supposed to be still.

Yes, that is the conflict.
Am I not pursuing enough?  Or am I not resting enough?

There is only one thing I know in this regard:
That I cannot love Him without the grace to love Him.  I cannot pursue Him without the strength to pursue Him.  I cannot follow Him until He beckons me, I cannot worship Him until He allows me.
It seems like jolting, impossible words, but it's true.  We only love because He first loved us, we worship because He created us; in Him we live and move and have our being.  We are second, we are next, we are before Him.  All these motions of pursuit and servitude and sacrifice is (rather, must) be rooted in Love, and He IS love.  We do not have love unless we have God.

All of those intertwined words to say:
These past few weeks, I've been struggling in my relationship with God.  So much silence, so much waiting, so much restlessness.  I haven't forgotten Him, or dismissed Him, or rejected Him.  But in this quiet, I wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if I'm feeding my head and heart with uselessness, if vanity and idolatry found place in my soul, if I'm the one the put the distance there.  No- I want God.  I want to want Him! I want my heart to be somewhere higher, somewhere closer to Him.  I miss His voice, I miss His nearness.  I try to read my Word a little more, I try to say my prayers a little more.  But when it comes down to it, I cannot love Him without the grace to love Him.  And that has become my prayer.

Give me grace, give me strength, to love You rightly, God.
-Ashley Prior, "Grace to Love"

And Abba, if loving You rightly in this moment is to silently wait, then I will wait longer.  But dear Lord, as much as you would readily give me the grace to pursue You, that You would also give me the grace to wait patiently, in hope.

If you haven't yet heard this, it's a prayer/song that has encouraged me before, and found way back into my heart.
Allyson Prior, "Grace to Love."

Even though my love is weak, You will not deny it.
You will not turn away a broken and a contrite heart.
I'll keep coming back to You, even in my weakness.


currently listening: Jeremy Riddle
currently reading: East of Eden

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