Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Watering Acres

My life as a single unit is perpetually busy.  

It's not a season, I'm either busy or extra busy.  I think I'm attracted to doing multiple things at once, which is ironic, seeing that I am awful (that is, inept) at multi-tasking.  I'm living in a Keiki Community House, volunteering as the Assistant Manager of a non-profit coffee shop, working at a specialty/brew-to-order cafe, and balancing all different kinds of necessary human connections (friends, family, relationship).

I hit a wall the other week (okay, so I hit walls often, but this one really hurt).  I melted into a puddle of "my best isn't good enough."  And it wasn't the feeling of inadequacy, or low self-esteem, or pity; it stemmed from the notion that I have spread myself way too thin.  Even if I tried, I am humanly incapable of giving 100%.  Divinely capable - that is a different story, because He is entirely capable.  (And with Him) I know I have the capacity to do anything.  But should I be doing everything?

I have the arguments that can justify every single thing that I am committed to: Reaching out to my community.  Stewarding my God-given dreams and visions.  Learning to be vulnerable, honest; learning to love again.

But I do not lean on my own understanding.

So everything is on the table.  
Nothing in my life is untouched by the opinions of my Abba.  

I've laid my life bare, asking Him to shed Light, shed Truth.  I want to know what He thinks, I want to know what He prefers.  He is faithful in that, as I glorify Him in my words and deeds, He blesses the works of my hands.  But I need to know - is He calling me to do this, or is He allowing me to do this?  It's different when He merely approves my path and when He chose that path.

It's hard to come to grips with these decisions.  I can't imagine letting go of any of the things that I am involved in.  But I am already exhausted, already spent, and it unfortunately the quality of life that I live, and the quality of investment that I am attempting to give.  I don't want the people I am with feel a loss - they deserve a fullness that I am too weak to give.  And what if I am simply in the way of another's opportunity to step into their calling?  What if my ambitions are blocking a surge of blessing?

I have been allotted a pitcher of water; I should water a few pots of plants, than attempt to water an acre.  Thankfully, I've felt so much grace from everyone around me.  They've seen me, they understand that I am spent, and they feel sorry for me.  And there has been grace.  But I want to be a heart that is fully alive.  I don't want to be a mere busybody that extracts good graces.

The more I exercise my will to choose peace and joy and wisdom and humility, the more I grow in character and maturity.  And as I grow, in turn I am strengthened with the ability to carry more, bear more, and give fully, without being spent.  I am still growing.  I am still being pruned and broken, and stretched and strengthened.

Today, I will be faithful with keeping a few potted plants alive.
And one day I will water acres.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for He grants sleep to those He loves.
- Psalm 127

Abba, teach me not to labor in vain, and to take the time to rest, that I may be actually useful for Your service.  Amene.

I stand on strong shoulders.  
Shoulders that have watered acres upon acres.


currently listening: The Have Nots, by Scribbling Idiots
currently watching: The Walking Dead

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