Thursday, May 23, 2013

current crossroads

I mean, this time in my life doesn't have to be a crossroad point; I could very well continue to do everything that I'm currently doing, moving at a steady pace, making small attempts to progress out of the mud pit known as school debt.  My job is okay, my commitments are alright, I only give so much of myself so my soul is not in drought.

For a good number of people, this predictability is ideal.  And I'm surviving alright. Except.. I'm fidgety. Where passion should exist in my heart, restlessness multiplies in my mind.  If my heart is not fully alive, I will drag my feet through the smoothest pathway.  I will be my own obstacle.  However, my heart, when fully alive, will find strength for the most menial, absurd tasks - the ones that demand the most and earn the least.

Now all these things said...
It's funny (not really) - every career move I've made in order to pursue my dreams has successively increased my knowledge and understanding, but has also successively provided less and less.  And right now I'm on the brink of making a greater decision that will give me even greater strides in fulfilling that dream.  Yet, it makes me so nervous - I mean, SO NERVOUS - that I've been losing sleep, crying while I talk, eating everything.

And the question hasn't been so much, "Should I do it?" but, "Why am I so controlled by the approval of other people?" Yes- the one gargantuan hindrance, more than the provision factor, is this anxiety of getting rejected for making this choice.  It is an immature obstacle, but it is still an obstacle.  Apparently, my heart has found something right about this decision, to want courage and faith this much.  If I didn't believe in this, I wouldn't wrestle as much as I am.

Pray for me.
I'll have to make this decision, this commitment, very soon.  And I cannot be afraid of man's opinions, when God's opinion shifts atmospheres and galaxies.  And I cannot be afraid of being in need, or being in want.  Abba provides for the journey He brings me through.  And I cannot be ashamed of walking by faith, and living from my heart- God is the strength of my heart, and my portion (my inheritance) forever.


currently listening: "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," Page CXVI

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