Wednesday, July 18, 2012

when memories vanish.

It surprises me that the last time I've posted was one month ago.  When did time sneak from my line of sight?  But, while it does feel like time moved too swiftly, the abundance of drastic transitions and life-altering changes within the past weeks makes it appear that time moved too slow.  

Unfortunately for me, I cannot recount these memories accurately, since my dailies blog,, got completely deleted.  That was nearly three YEARS of memories, thoughts, aspirations, honest attempts, and collections of inspirations.  And yet, with all the other things that had been happening around me (tragic endings, welcomed beginnings), this technological glitch became my opportunity for a fresh start too.  

I have a habit of looking back.  In many ways, doing so keeps me grateful, knowing that I am not the same person as I was before.  But sometimes, it makes me regretful, makes me cringe; sometimes it makes me even wish for former days.  Call it the perfectionist in me that needs to be thrown back onto the potter's wheel- I keep comparing myself to- myself.  And I can't keep looking back.

Thinking about the blog, it felt like a restless search for God's ultimate purpose in practically walking out my life.  Lots of trial, mostly error, and attempting to stay calm.  Sure, the trial and error will probably happen for the rest of my life - but what would need to change is my level of faith, seriously trusting that where He is leading me is good.

Last night, this was my meditation:

Find out what pleases the LORD.
Ephesians 5.

That blog of memories was a search of purpose, but was I really searching for what pleases Him?  Was I fully trusting Him? Perhaps that's why it was so restless, so diverted.  Maybe it wasn't a search for Him as much as it was a statement of myself.  That's a hard confession of pride, when you get to the skeleton of it all.  The memories I collected were plastered on a shaky frame.  It had to collapse eventually.

I'm going to kickstart it again soon enough, preserving memories, again; constantly reminding myself to find out what pleases the Lord.


currently listening to: Michael Kiwanuka
currently watching: re-runs of Monk

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