God doesn't owe me anything

Shortly after posting Next Steps, I sat in heavy thought.  For these past few years I told myself that "God doesn't owe me anything."  And here is why. 

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Regardless of how much I do, or give, or pour out, or sacrifice, God doesn't owe me anything.  I can't stand before God and say, "I did (all these things), so.. You pretty much owe me one."  No one can finish a great fast or fulfill a great vow, in the name of God, and at the end, demand we get what we want.  That's called manipulation.  How foolish!  How foolish to think that it is possible to manipulate the Most High God!  Sure I can do all these things, but God doesn't owe me anything.

Plus- even if He did, I wouldn't get much in return.  Are we playing evens?  Okay.  Then what do I know about giving?  What do I know about giving Love?  Do I even understand Love?  LOVE?  In all its vastness and facets and depths and heights?  Do I understand the fullness of Love?  I don't.  At least, not in its entirety.  My giving, my loving, they are all flawed.  I could give to the best of me, but even the best is not perfect, and in this life, it never will be.  I give poorly.  So what would God owe me?   


It's mind-boggling.  (Am I expressing myself alright?)
It seriously blows my logic.
God doesn't owe me anything.

And yet- Beloved, YET-

Despite whoever I am and whatever I give and don't give, despite the fact that He is not tied to obey any demand I present before Him, despite my frail and sincere attempts to be and do and exist and operate-

He gives MORE and ABOVE and BEYOND all that we ask or imagine. 

This, Beloved, is GRACE.

God doesn't owe me anything, but OH how He gives so freely, because He loves without condition!  He does not love me on account of who I am -present, past, and/or future.  He does not love me based on the things I do, however pure, impure, tainted, sincere, intentional, subconscious.  He does not love me because of who I am, He loves me because of who HE IS.

God doesn't owe me anything, just because I've given Him time, energy, abilities, materials, or attention.  He gives to me because He is good.  He gives to me because He is a good Father -ABBA.  He gives to me as a Father because His delight is in me, He is pleased with me, He enjoys me!

And absolutely: He relishes in the moments when I, out of my free will, choose to give and Love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength; when I choose not to let the realization of the faults of my flesh and self discourage my giving; when I recognize that I am weak but He is strong, and just because I am weak, does not make me un-accepted.  He loves the moments when I know I am accepted, desired, and loved.  Fault and all.  Good intention, or no intention.

God doesn't owe me anything.
In fact, perhaps I owe Him...
Perhaps.

But oh! He delights when I am motivated by Love more than duty; and when I am called to duty, I obey because I Love Him.

He takes these parts of my life and remembers my faithfulness to Him, and He brings to my memory that I love because He loves first.  I give because He gave first.  I am faithful because He is faithful to me.  And when I am faithless, He remains faithful.  And when I am selfish and greedy, He still gives.  And when I turn my face away from Him, He still loves.  He is the First, the Last, the Author, the Finisher.

He is a grace I will never fully understand.
And He loves me.
But He doesn't owe me anything.


xo




currently listening: "Running in Circles" by United Pursuit Band