On Anxiety, Part Three: Gratitude

Part One: Doubt

Part Two: Getting It Wrong

Having addressed some of the sources of anxiety, it is only fitting to (finally, three months later) close these thoughts On Anxiety with the route to overcome. We are all too strangely familiar with the unknown, than we are with the One we know.  We are familiar with the loneliness and stress of "what ifs," and impossibilities, and denial, and worry.  It starts taxing on our minds and we can't even concentrate on the now, because all possible scenarios (and only the worst ones) play in our minds.  Even our spirit sinks a little, and physically, we want to crawl into a storm shelter and Netflix with a tub of ice cream.

And in our vulnerability, we open up to someone, who says with such cute naivety:

Do not be anxious about anything...

Philippians 4:6

Many of us have heard this verse countless times, shoved in our face like sidewalk flyers.  "Don't be anxious!" and it's laced with "Just pray!" or "Just believe!"  Real talk: instead of it cheering you up, doesn't it aggravate you a little more, doesn't it provoke you even more, doesn't it make you feel misunderstood and cheap, like your feelings aren't valid...? It's never that simple to "just" pray or "just" get better.  It's never that simple to, instantaneously, "not" have anxiety. The notion is summed up by this meme that a friend recently texted me:

But even if it isn't simple to rid ourselves of anxiety, it is still a command.  It is a hard command.  It is hard especially when everything else it your life persuades you that failure, abandonment, rejection, etc- that these things are inevitable.  The unknown is like a black hole that, often times, every happy/secure thought falls into and gets lost.  Why would we want to fall into a black hole.  Who would ask to be lost.

So I too have brushed off that verse.  It's exhausting and a little more lonely when you feel patronized by overused Scripture, cheapened by kitschy stationery and mugs and plaques.  Nonetheless, by the power of the Spirit, the remainder passage came back to life:

...but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

My friends, He has shown us the most excellent way.

There's something about gratitude that keeps us humble.  And the place of humility denotes someone greater than us; it recognizes someone else's strength.  Surely, to be humble before God denotes that He is greater and stronger, and in the case of anxiety, in control.

When our minds are flooded with anxiety and worry and worst-possible scenarios, gratitude reminds us that we are indebted to One who has been consistently faithful to our hearts.  Remembering His presence and provision calms our thoughts, brings rest to our bodies, and surrounds us with peace.  He has been in control.  He still is in control.

Do not be anxious, about anything.  And in gratitude, tell your requests to God.  This too is key - we aren't ignoring the situation, we aren't denying the unknown.  But we're bringing our concerns, our needs, our humanity before Him.  We confess our fears and recognize our doubts, we are honest with our inability to be satisfied apart from Him.  We point out the holes that still feel empty, the ache in our hearts to have something tangible, or some word of hope to hang onto.  And with that, we are grateful for what He has done, and confident in what He can do.  We remember His faithfulness, if not just to us, but to those we know, and those we've heard of.  We recount His goodness and His relentless love and His forgiving mercies.  We are grateful, and we are humbled, and we lean on His strength.  And He is faithful to bring peace to our hearts.

A pocket of gratitude is enough to keep us buoyant.  Maybe we won't be near the shore or even at arms reach to a vessel. We may still feel lost in a vast ocean. But at least we will be afloat.  At least we are where we can breathe.



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And so this was the case for me, with that large decision I wrote about.  I was leaving everything I knew for 2.5 years, cutting ties, and severing a commitment- and the thoughts plagued my waking life.  I was afraid to leave, and a part of me would be tamped if I stayed.  And I had little courage to stand up for myself and walk away.  I questioned if I had to do this - did God really tell me to leave?  And what if I leave, and what if I'm wrong?

But it was the moment when I expressed my gratitude for this season (and there are many blessings still to count), that I was filled with an unexplainable joy: "Thank You, God, for this season, and what it was.  Thank You for the relationships I've gained, and the skills I've learned, and the unknown impacts I've made.  Thank You for choosing me and trusting me to carry out Your will, and thank You for those who will grow in my place.  Thank You for all the greater things You have planned, and for creating a space in my heart to trust You more..."

Remembering His goodness restored my hope.  He has never once left my heart alone.  And I am still walking into the unknown, but gratitude has kept be buoyant.  It's allowed me to breathe again.



xo



currently reading: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
currently listening: Rules of Civility

On Anxiety, Part Two: Getting it Wrong

To get you up to speed:
On Anxiety: Part One, Doubt

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Peonies.  Or Cabbage.  Who knows.

To better understand this post, imagine you are in a situation where you need to make a life-altering decision.  I'm sure it won't be difficult to bring yourself back to that time and place.  Maybe you were leaving, maybe you were arriving, but you know that unsettled, in-between feeling.

I found myself in that place.  And then it became less of whether I should do this or that, I realized I should do that.  But then I questioned whether or not I've really heard from God.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I take this path and find out I should've never left?  What if I can't get back to where I started? 

For an unseen God, He is gracious enough to use the words in His Letters, or the words of a friend or a mentor.  I talked to someone about my anxieties and worries, and how hard it is for me to make this decision.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you this won't hurt," she said.  Either way I choose, something, or someone, will get hurt.  If I leave, both parties will feel the loss of separation.  But if I stay, something inside of me will die from being stagnant.  "You just need to make this decision.  Pull the trigger.  And if you're wrong, then you just come back with humility, and say it simply, 'I was wrong.'"

I don't know what was so liberating about hearing that.  It must be my perfectionism - I get anxiety because I worry about not getting it right the first time.  But why get so caught up with getting it right?  What's so bad about getting it wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong with getting it wrong (or at least, why our brains tell us so).  Because in the moment that we get something wrong, we can be met with criticism, judgments, a loss of reputation, a lack of trust.. do you see where this is going?  There's this fear that to get something wrong, I'll be loved a little less.

There's nothing more sore than when you feel that someone loves you a little less for getting it wrong.  The childhood of a perfectionist is drenched with these memories, needing to perform/achieve/attain/get it right - in order to be loved.  And years will teach us (if we let it) that it's okay to get it wrong, it's okay to buy the wrong ticket, our value doesn't depreciate, our worth won't change.

I realize that this isn't an easy move for anyone with anxiety.  It's a slow moving process to experience the freedom of making choices without fear of failure.  But the only solution is to make that decision.  Anxiety is often borne because we haven't decided, and haven't made a commitment to that decision.

I've learned that the Latin root of the word "decide" is caedere, to cut.  So to decide is to literally cut off the other possibilities.  When you decide what you'd like to eat or what to wear, you say, this is not an option, that is not an option, this is what I will do.  And it is the same with large, life-altering decisions - to decide is to cut off the "what ifs" and "possibilities with this plan."  To decide is to choose one thing, letting go, commit to what you have, and accept what you don't have - or accept who you are not.

And yes, sometimes the wrong choice comes with consequences.  One day we make a decision to forego eating a healthy meal at home, splurge on junk food, and we feel disgusting for 36 hours.  One day we choose that pair of shoes and realize quickly the blisters we'll feel for a week.  And one day we choose to begin something radical, or end something endearing, and we might feel pain or misunderstood sorrow.  But we become a bit wiser, we grow in our discernment.  We learn what not to do, what hurts us in the long run, and that we are not dead, in fact we are strong enough to stand up and move forward.  We know who we are, we know who we're not.

Recently, I have found out what I am not.  And I made a decision, even though it was coated with questions of whether God really did say.  I know I have to follow through with this, I can't hang on to the what ifs.  It's the what ifs that make me fearful, half-hearted, and anxious.

But it's time to commit to that decision, and be okay - even if I get it wrong.



xo


currently reading: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
currently watching: House of Cards

On Anxiety, Part One: Doubt

I have dreaded the month of April.

In the same exact time frame, I lost five of my strongest baristas, and began training four absolutely new staff members (yes, half my staff).  Not to mention the Boss Lady in the Accounting Office is also out of the country. Add onto that three commission art projects that are due at the same time.

I tried not to panic, and I rolled my eyes at the attempt. I thought about all the things that need to be done, how much time I have, while completely aware that setting healthy boundaries and resting are my weaknesses.  Oh yes, I absolutely panicked.  I'd trail down worst-case scenarios.  I'd repetitively think about how much I dread all the micro-managing/quality control that comes with training.  I groan and I get unmotivated and I can't sleep and I want to binge-watch British time period miniseries while eating chips and then vent out my frustrations on gracious, innocent bystanders (read: Wes and my family).  And eat more chips.

I was the embodiment of anxiety: an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, a dread of anticipated events.

Worst of all, anxiety is so taxing, that by the time I reach said event, I am exhausted- physically, emotionally, mentally.  And it's straight-up annoying.

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At the brink of April, I had a very big, life-changing decision to make.  And that was the pinnacle of my anxiety.  I was so worried about the confrontation, that it would become personal instead of logistical.  I feared the repercussions, the long-term effects, even the way people would perceive me.  I felt misunderstood before I had a chance to defend myself.

Basically, anxiety is brought about by the lack of control: not being able to monitor or know the outcome of certain events creates a shaking restlessness of "what ifs?" and acting as if the worst has already been carved in stone.  And this was me.

And the lack of control signifies a lack of trust in the One who does have control.  I'm not allowing myself to believe in His goodness or in His care for me.  Surely, a bulk of the Christian's anxiety is that "what if God didn't really say?" or "what if I heard Him wrong?" or "what if He didn't really speak, what if this is my flesh?"

The lack of trust is, at that point, borne by whether we know God and actually hear from Him.  And that's a hard matter to give replicate answers for.  Our relationship with God operates by faith, thus, for the rest of our lives, we'll be questioning just like Adam and Eve felt in the garden - did God really say?


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The question of "Did God really say" is the underestimated root of what distances us from God, what shakes our trust and insists on fear.  Whether this may be theologically sound or not, I do think that the first temptation in the garden was not the apple to Eve, but was the moment when the serpent said, "Did God really say....?" because the temptation then lies in whether or not we can believe what God says, even if He hasn't explained His reasons (did God explain to Adam and Eve the full repercussions of their decisions?).  It's the seed of doubt; doubt, the exact opposite of faith.

And it wasn't just in the garden that this happened, this also happened with the Second Adam, Jesus Christ, when he had no repertoire of ministry, was baptized.

[Then] A voice from Heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love, in Him, I am well-pleased."

Matthew 3:17

Following this glorious occurrence, Jesus went to the wilderness, where the enemy came to tempt Him with the whole notion of "Did God really say?"  The enemy asked Jesus "If you are the Son of God.." It's the temptation to doubt what was just spoken.  The temptation to doubt our worth. Was that not the struggle in Eden?  God gave a command, a Word, a truth, and immediately the enemy comes, tempting us to believe otherwise.

Similar to the struggle in the Garden and the Desert, we face the temptation of control, and to taste control makes us less apt to trust someone else with control.  We face the temptation of pride, and to reveal what we are capable of doing makes it hard to step back and admit "I am incapable."  We face the temptation of hunger, that is, the cravings of the flesh, and to satiate its desires makes us dull towards the counter simplicity.

As Jesus did come to earth to redeem all things, even the fall of man, His response to the temptation was neither argument nor offense, but rather "It is written." Jesus was presented with the temptation to doubt, and He points to the unchanging, infallible Holy Scriptures.  This too becomes our ammunition.

In the moment where we question the voice of God, we have His tangible Scriptures.  Will you find out what you're supposed to eat tomorrow?  No, but the Word says not to worry because we are provided for.  Will you find out what you're supposed to do for a career?  No, but the Word defines our identity in Christ (Epistles), and He also describes how to gain wisdom/discernment (Proverbs, James).  Will you know how people will react to your confrontations?  No, but the Word spells out how to react in adversity.

It's easy to doubt an unseen God, and this pulls us down in anxiety.  We may have been the First Adam, but we are redeemed by a Second Adam.  We can believe what He says.  We can let go of control.  We can trust in an unseen God.


xo

From hesitation to action

currently reading: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
currently watching: Death Comes to Pemberly
currently listening: Leon Bridges