tonight's raw prayer

(source)

God,
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what's wisdom, where to look, or if to wait,
I don't know how to be full of faith and full of wise actions at the same time,
I don't know how to pray.

God,
I'm not asking for You to make things easier
-but You know my heart, You know I'd really like that-
yet, the little that I know You, what I do know is that
sometimes Your answer is the hard road,
to make me grow more, to make me learn more.

At the core of all this,
God,
All I want to do is to Love You.
That's it-
to really Love You.

God,
I better be honest...
What I also would like is to feel loved by You.
And feel affirmed that where I am is where You want me to be.
My heart is content wherever You are!
If You are in the heights, there I shall be
If You are in the depths, there too I shall be.
We belong to each other, You and me, and I want to be where You are!..

But God,
I..
don't know where You are.
(well yes, You are here),
but I don't know where You are going.
It's so strange how I hear Your voice but yet You feel so far.

Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. - John 14.5-6

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon the earth that I desire besides You.
- Psalm 73.25

I sought the One I love; I sought Him, but I did not find Him.
“I will rise now,” I said, “And go about the city; in the streets and in the squares, I will seek the One I love.”
I sought Him, but I did not find Him.
The watchmen who go about the city found me;
I said, “Have you seen the One I love?”
Scarcely had I passed by them, when I found the One I love.
I held Him and would not let him go
- Song of Solomon 3.1-4

As for me, the nearness of God is my good...
- Psalm 73.28

There are so many answers I need,
So many final decisions I want Your input
So many virtues I need You to help me attain
And yet, all of that is loss compared to the simple desire of:
God, I just want You.

Help me to trust You and help my unbelief
I want to be dependent on You...
Because there's not a care in the world
When I am trusting You completely...
- Jon Thurlow, "Dependent on You"

xo

the wasted life.

source

i could spend everything i am for the sake of Christ:
all my time, my efforts, my heart, my thoughts, my conversations
and people may say, "what a wasted life."

or, i could do what everyone else expects out of me:
in order to be accepted, to be successful, to be relevant
and Christ may say of me, "what a wasted life."

.....i know how i'll be wasting mine.. it's all for Him.



xo



currently reading: The Forgotten Desert Mothers by Laura Swan
currently listening: Strong Love by Jon Thurlow [it's sooooo good!!]
currently watching: Jane Eyre, BBC Version

follow

Oh the breath of the Almighty God, it warms a cold and fractured soul
It awakens a dormant vision, it is a gentle breeze that flicks a fading coal
I arise with a trembling in my spirit, a quickness in my step, and adoration upon my lips.
For in His omniscience, He places a sword in my feeble hands,
   and a sachet of myrrh to hold near to my chest..

He calls me to follow Him. But oh! His call is simply that - His breath upon my soul.
It is neither a sound nor a sight, but the exhale, the release, of the Infinite God.
There is no time for a forgettable introspection or exhaustive doubt,
   or to question, "Did God really say..."

No, there is only a moment to arise and follow, there is only a moment to trust and obey.
For those who obey are those who love Him; He said, "If you love me, You will obey..."
And so now, with a sword in my hand and a sachet of myrrh, I have said yes to a life of surrender.
  I have said yes to a life which both suffers and fights, and yet beholds the gaze of my Lover.

I have agreed to run a race upon a cobbled road with bare-blistered feet and tenacity,
   and still, I have agreed to rest between the very shoulder blades that carry the world.
I have chosen to be hollowed with the finest of knives, I have chosen to be His flute of joy*.
I said I would be His symphony, and I wait upon His melodies.
I have said to Him, "I will be Your Warrior," He has said to me, "You shall also be My Bride."

I have chosen to follow Him into the chilled stillness of the night,
   or perhaps I am hidden in the shadows of His great wing.
I have chosen to follow Him into the depths of His heart,
   into the cavities of aching and groaning and sorrow;
   where His tears and blood have become my wine, and I yearn for more,
   though it pains both of us so...
And I fear Him, thus He confides in me, and I follow Him, thus He bids me, "draw nearer..."

I have known no greater joy than His delight, and yet no gripping sorrow than His yearnings;
I have not lived apart from Him, and I have not died except with Him.
I have known no fear except His holiness, and known no love except Himself.
He has breathed upon me, and so I come to Him,
   for I am restless unless I rest in Him.



xo



currently reading: Ezekiel
currently listening: "A Life That's Worthy," John Thurlow
currently watching: Les Choristes