On Sabbath, pt 3.

I suppose it's time to pick up where I left off.

''

After returning to my parents' home, I took time to pray and re-asses my life (as one does).  Praying about things like "life calling" or "God's will" or "purpose" requires a great deal of faith and trust. On one hand, God is really great about using His silence, prolonged response, or uncommon method of speaking as His way to build our trust in Him. On the other hand, God is also really great about being faithful to respond, and then, entrusting you with the grand responsibility of fulfilling His commands.  Everything He does communicates.  Everything He does solicits a response.

I am often nervous about asking God about what He'd like me to do with my life.  "Normal" life for me, is constant change, constant pushing and pulling and moving and falling and trusting.  For once, I'd like an abnormal life; I want something that's rather predictable and mellow and steady.  I was not ready for more change, I was ready for rest.  So to ask God, "What would You have me do" is asking for more shuffling, more controlled chaos. But I asked anyway.

And in the reassesment of my life at the time, I had discovered a new interest: the world of numbers. Now I've never really considered myself a business fiend, in fact, I was so against the thought of capitallism in my young, artist-hippie mind (there, I said it - I fit the bill even if I didn't like the label).  But in the time I've spent doing the work of the Business Manager in the Coffee Bar, I came to realize that I truly liked being in accounting. Looking back, I suppose I was set up for it, after all, the base of Accounting is the ability to be highly detailed, accurate, and organized.  My jobs and pastimes?  The Library. Jigsaw Puzzles. Things involving spreadsheets, organization, coordination. 

It came to the point that I began looking up online programs, or summer programs, or ways to be certified in Accounting.  My thoughts were, having some sort of certification could be really beneficial: whether I use it for the Coffee Bar, or maybe I can help STN in some ways; or if I used it for my own business, or what if I'm in transition and need some sort of transitional job, accounting would be a handy skillset to have, that I actually enjoy doing.  So I began to concoct a plan that involved re-financing my school loans and cutting my hours in the Coffee Bar and going to school.  I had applied, I had registered, I had a student number.

God in His sovereignty is so faithful to interrupt my life.  Looking back at this, I can say confidently that I know His goodness, and that He does will for us to enjoy the things He calls us to do.  You see, I was moments away from revealing this lovely plan to STN, ready to say that I was done and I am transitioning for the better.  Instead, STN beat me to the punch and revealed their plan to me:

They recognized the work I had been doing in the Coffee Bar to make it professional and proper.  And so, they wanted to take me on into the Accounting Department, as the Accountant's Assistant. I'd help the CFO with some of the accounting work, learn some tools of the trade on the side. So there you have it, my friends, I am (well, have been) in the Finance office a day or two each week, as well as focusing my time in the Coffee Bar on the business operations. And had I done it my way, it would've been more time consuming, more financially costly.  I am grateful that He interrupted me.

(Small confession: I didn't know how to tie this all in with "Sabbath," but I needed a part three to finish the story...)

You could say that this is about the work before the Sabbath. After the end of each day of Creation, God said "It is good." And after those six days of doing things He was pleased with, He rested.  I want to believe that His rest was made full because He was satisfied. Because each day, the work of His hands produced something that He was proud of.  He was pleased.  Can I say that about my work?  Can I say that I am satisfied?  I think that the jobs we detest the most, no matter how easy it is, will drain us more because we're unsatisfied.  And no amount of rest or vacation can cure us from the insatiable need to never go back to our job.  There is no joy to work, it's drudgery.  And so we feel no Sabbath, only escape. We feel no pleasure in our moments of rest, we are numb and zoned out.  We turn off our brain to save the energy for the drainage of work. We are unhappy.

Remember how I spoke so drearily in the other two posts, about how the Sabbath is a command that solicits obedience? Pair that thought with the fact that God designs us to do work that He and we delight in. I am not proposing some fantastical search for the perfect dream job.  No "job" can make you truly happy, and it's truly rare that we will always receive the exact replica of our imagination (not to mention, we don't actually know what we want or need as much as Abba).  But I also don't think God intends to place dreams, skills, and passions in our lives, only for us to drag them through mud for the purpose of "growing our character."  Our martyrical minds have led us to believe that surrender is all suffering.  The suffering is only the purification of our hearts and denial of flesh, not the dismissal of God-made characteristics.  We must find delight in the things we do.  It's this satisfaction that cultivates peace in our spirits.  And peace that has layered over the course of work is a soft bed for the moment of Sabbath. 

Things are still so incredibly hard for me, at least circumstantially.  Work is difficult.  It's stressful trying to balance all the demands spread on my plate.  I am often exhausted, often subdued. And yet, I am incredibly grateful that God has granted me with work that I can be proud of.  It is demanding work, it is not perfect, it is unprofessionally composed, but I can be proud of it.  And the realization that His delight is in me and that I can delight in my work, are plenty reasons for me to put my work down at the end of the day and say "It is good."  And then with that, I can be fully at rest.

xo

On Missions. 01

I work for a non-profit humanitarian organization that focuses on doing and going and being active.  And in this place, nobody wants my job.  Or I should say, there are very few people who come to this place led by the starlight glow of doing accounting.  The appeal is to save the world, not save the pennies.

But the truth is, I wanted this position.  I am among the few who actually like organization and forms and counting things.  I function perfectly fine in a cubicle, as long as I have a good pen and paperclips.

You see, what makes my job difficult is not the problem solving, on paper or with interpersonal communication.  What makes my job difficult is explaining why what I do is also missions.

My daily view

In this body, I am not the hand that puts the apple into the basket of a needy woman at the weekly Feeding the Hungry Program.  (But I do help the accountability of watching the allocation of funds from government grants for FTH)

In this body, I am not the feet that goes to Bangladesh, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Philippines, or the Middle East. (But I do help process the donations that come through on their behalf)

I am not the staff that trains the 3-month internship, or leads the Surfers Leadership School.  I cannot surf, I can barely swim, and a chronic condition prevents me from adventures and strenuous activity.  I don't have a pretty view every day, or have interesting things to mention to remind people of how I help make global impact.  I am not the photogenic poster-child for this organization.

Maybe one could say that I'm the glorious digestive system.  Processing all that comes in and allocating all the nutrients (funds) where they need to go.  Maybe I'm also bad at metaphors.  But regardless of what I am, I have a role.  And you have a role.  Even if you're the hamstring.  And even if I'm not walking on international soil, I feel beyond blessed to use my capabilities to empower others.

Yesterday, I spent the day crunching numbers, shuffling papers, and working on spreadsheets so heavy with formulas, I think it broke the internet.  So after work, I left the office and walked to my car.

And on that little walk, I passed a half-drugged man with fake gold chains, and the grand $$pendants dangled down to his exposed belly.  He scared the heck out of me, but I approached him so I could pet his pit-bull puppy in his arms. I talked about my own pit-bull and he became less threatening, more friendly.

And on that same little walk, I saw one of the (now) teen boys who I haven't seen in months!  And his first act was not to say hello, or to hug me per-usual, but his first act was to take his report card out of his pocket and show me his mostly A's, and some B's.  I ignored the one and only C- for performance, because I was proud.  I am proud.  And it warmed my heart that he wanted to share this accomplishment with me.

In this body, I am not the eyes that watch children grow, and train them with loving wisdom through the Ulu Pono Program that helps at-risk youth in Wahiawa. But as a part of this body, I share the victories and the joys of everyone else.  I tell their stories proudly; I tell others about their trip to North Korea, their outreaches in Waianae, the building of a new Outreach Center.

The role I play today may be unknown by many, and it is just fine.  I love Wahiawa.  I love my town, I love it in its brokenness, I love it on its way to restoration.  I love what I do, and where I am, and the mystery of where I will be.  Or at least, where everyone else will be.

But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 
I Corinthians 12

xo

--

Maybe you're just like me, not able to go out, but able to send.  And I cannot do this alone; I want to be a part of the transformation of my city, and would love for you to pray about partnering with this mission through Surfers Church.

Mahalo

On Sabbath, pt 2.

It might help to read On Sabbath, pt 1.

You see, His law is pretty basic: there are blessings for obedience, and curses for disobedience.  We should be ever so grateful for grace that covers our failure to keep up with obedience, but His justice still stands - that when He commands us to obey, He expects us to do as we are told.

So when He reiterated to me: take a Sabbath, He wasn't just suggesting a nap, He was commanding me to rest.  God designed our bodies to need rest, because without it, we are weak and powerless.  To defy rest is to be rebellious, to declare with an unhealthy pride that we are strong and powerful on our own accord.  What a funny thought.  When have I ever been independently capable?

The realization of my fault had me evaluate everything that occupied my life.. Because I needed rest.

I was working too much and it was evident that my tendinitis had gotten worse.  I could not grip, I could feel "snaps" in my wrist.  My thumb turned blue, my elbows and wrists had noticeable inflammation.

This physical collapse happened two other times in my life:
The first time, in 2010, it affected my instrument playing, and because I did not rest, my ability to play music was taken from me.  It was good though; it taught me how to worship apart from music and song, how to be sincerest in heartfelt worship.

The second time, in 2012, it affected my ability to grip writing utensils, and because I did not rest, my ability to create art was taken from me.  This was also good; it taught me how to see beauty, and when I was well enough to create, my artistic style was solidified (something I felt I did not have before).

This spring was the third time, and I didn't want to be unwise.  If God is teaching me something, warning me about something, I want to be obedient and learn from His understanding.  I don't want to fall back into disability all over again, forced to learn the hard way.  Would my ability to serve be taken from me too?  Again, it had become imperative to re-evaluate my life.

So I looked at every card I have been dealt with.  Living in Hale Akua.  Working in the Coffee Bar.  Working in downtown.  A church I am planted in.  A family and friends I am in connection with.  A gentleman I am in a relationship with.  And if I had to surrender any one of these cards, I would feel the ache.  The situation would feel an ache, but we would all heal.  So the question now became: which of these things has God asked me to do, and which am I being overly-ambitious about?

I will spare you the comprehensive comparison of pros and cons.  In the end, I had to go back to the original purpose/calling of each situation, and asking God whether or not that purpose still continues, if it's been fulfilled, or if it has changed.  In the end, His purposes remain.

The view from the kitchen window, Kiana playing ukulele

The one card I kept returning to was living in Hale Akua.  The story numbs my flesh, awakens my spirit, and reminds me that God is living, and He speaks, and He moves, and He invites you to know His heart and join His journey.  But in light of that, He is actively speaking, and also, sometimes He tells you the end from the beginning.

When God called me into Hale Akua, He confirmed it with Scripture and provision.  But the truth is, God did tell me six months.  I suppose I dimmed that part out; I clicked the "Accept" button and didn't read the Terms of Use.  And I kept trying to stretch the call into month seven, month eight, month nine... and I struggled.  Sometimes people tell you you're struggling because it's a lesson on faith and trust.  But sometimes, you're struggling because you're in opposition to the will of the Master of the Universe.  There's blessings for obedience, and curses for disobedience.  Sometimes you're struggling because you are outside the will of God.

But as my favorite quote goes:

You can step out of the will of God, but you can never step out of His promises.

And even though I struggled outside of the will of God, He never once abandoned or neglected me, never lashed in anger; but He waited patiently, and loved me, and prodded me.

I looked back at Genesis, in the passage that originally took me to Hale Akua:

Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.” - Genesis 28.20-22

I overlooked that one clause.  Return home.  And then I stayed in denial for some time, call it my pride to come home, and the fear of what people would say about me; that I failed or didn't accomplish some great feat.  "Missions" carries a different definition than what it did twenty years ago, but not everyone has adapted it.  I felt like a disappointment, like people expected better, or at least different from me.

The boys, pretending to sleep instead of homework

One could argue the level of "good" that Hale Akua does (and I nest "goodness" in quotation marks because what is good?).  This house is a keiki community house, open for the neighborhood kids.  But let's be real. I can't base a decision off of what is good, versus what is right.  Doing many good things is not always the right thing - that is, versus doing only some, even just one good thing.

And in the end, the "good thing" for me to do was to take a Sabbath rest, at home, in my father's house.



--

Would you like to know the biggest thing Hale Akua taught me?
That I am not ready to be a mom.
I chuckle every single time I recount that sentiment to myself.  It's not that I felt ready otherwise, it just made me appreciate and intercede more for single mothers, their mothers, who were struggling and needed homes like Hale Akua.  I worked nearly 50 hours a week, and came home to serve children who needed my love.  They don't know and didn't understand what my day was like. I can't expect their sympathies, but I can teach them to care in showing them care.  They needed selfless affection and unadulterated attention.  And I was too tired to be fully present.  Working, cooking, cleaning, forgetting the Sabbath.  It was absolutely off-balance.

Thankfully, the transition was peaceful.  Me leaving was the entry way for another to move in, who has a heart for these children and works with them on the daily.  There is joy on both ends, knowing that everyone is where God needs them to be.

So now, I am home.  I've had a bit of time to breathe, a lot more time to Sabbath.  And interestingly enough, after shutting that door, another one opened, because God is faithful.
But that story will be saved for another day.



xo






currently listening: The Brilliance, self-titled.
currently reading: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, Mark Haddon
currently watching: Mona Lisa Smile. because it's a favorite.