the 2012

I did not particularly like 2012, and for that reason I am upset with myself for not carrying joy in higher regard.

In the first three months, God dug deep into my heart and redeemed an area that for a long time had been so secretly destructive.  But following my breakthrough, that is to say, the remainder nine months of this year, it was a fight, a struggle, a desert, a sickness.  My responses have teetered between waves of weeping and apathy, the latter occurring when I run out of tears.  It must have been over five years that I have been consumed by sorrow to this degree.

Surely I am not without blame; a portion of this season is circumstantial consequence.  I could have pushed further.  I could have ignored compromise.  I could have exercised more faith, more trust, more peace in the waiting.  But the restlessness of uncertainty consumed my thoughts, and I would forget to "be still and know that He is God."

But despite my reigning sorrow, I must fall back onto grace.  I cannot let regret be the pride that keeps me from freedom.  Every moment is a new chance to start over, and I will let this moment, this entrance into the new year, be my chance to start over.  To re-commit, to challenge myself, to fight complacency.
I have wandered long enough in 2012's desert.  I must ignore the naysayers that declare the cliche of heart-changing at midnight, and let these moments be the crossing of the Jordan.

It's never been more difficult to believe that God has great plans for my future, but the truth is that He does.  And maybe it's not going to look like any dream I've held onto all my life, maybe it's not going to involve any skill I've learned to hone in on over the years.  Everything I have, know, and love are gifts that He can choose to give and take away.  And through it all, I must lean on the promises of His Word, everything about His faithfulness, goodness, and love.

This year, I want to let go.  Let it all go.  My fears, my anxieties, my sorrows - they are all rooted in my inability to trust God.  And I must trust Him.  Only He can make all things new.

I will remain confident in this - I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD.  Be strong and take heart, and wait for the LORD.
- Psalm 27.13-14

xo


currently reading: One Hundred Years of Solitude

my health.

post-its on the wall, 2010

I laid on my floor for an extended period of time.  My body was pained and fatigued, and so was my hope.  I'm nearing the two year mark since the doctors gave my diagnosis and told me that I could resume my normal routine, "granted, you don't do anything.  But seeing that no one, not even you, can make you do nothing for two years, it may be much longer."  As I laid on my floor, I ruminated on the reality of the "much longer."  In the past two years, the problem areas have been improving (Allelu!) but at the expense of depending on stronger areas of my body - which are now beginning to cave in.  I felt the beginning signs of serious strains in my lower body.  My feet are caving in.  If it's not one thing, it's another - a never-ending cycle (well, I guess.. it's chronic..)

And in thinking about this "much longer," my fears began escalating.  Will I really be a cripple before I'm 30?  Will I never get to do the things I love?  What kind of job can I have with my condition?  How will I pay off all my loans?  Even to the far end - Can I really afford (in every sense) to have a family?

This mental tornado is not new.  It happens quite often, and it always ends in tears.  It's a built-in cavity in the human soul to search for purpose and yearn to fulfill it.  I am dissatisfied to think my life is THIS limited because of my physical inability.  It is wildly discouraging, especially because I remember what it is like to be capable.

A whisper of optimism nudges me: what if I am convinced that my purpose is something that is actually different than what God's purpose is?  What if my frustrations are borne out of disillusionment?  There is still hope for my future, then.

I went into the Word and read Hebrews 10. Verses 32 thru 39 moved me.  In paraphrase:
Remember the explosive feeling in your spirit when you first saw and felt the Light and its warmth?  Remember the joy of new revelations and understanding His Truths? Remember your passion?  Remember your eagerness?  Remember your ambition when you believed? -when you were full of faith?
You suffered freely, because you knew, as much as faith "knows," that there is goodness and eternity to be had.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.” But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.
- Hebrews 10.35-39

I cannot tell you how difficult it's been to believe the promises in regards to my health.  But I must believe, I must be confident operate in the promises despite the pain.  I cannot let worry make a home in my imaginations.

I never like to mention my health because I'm constantly wary about talking so specifically about my personal life to an audience of many or no one.  When I think of social media as a whole (facebook, twitter, whatever media you choose), a large ratio of communication is shallow and impersonal (though thank the Lord, not all!  Genuine still exists).  But I began thinking that I need to forego my disdain for the pseudo relationships, be humble, and ask for prayer.  Or encouragement.  Something.

So if you think of me, please pray for me.
Pray as the Lord leads, but I feel that beyond praying for a miracle of healing, if you could pray for my heart.  I don't want to be full of fear, I want to abound in faith.  I don't want to accept my pain, I want to contend for my healing.  I don't want to be hopeless, I want to walk in the fulness of God's promises for my life.  I don't want to be anxious about anything, but take everything to God in prayer.  I want to sincerely love and praise God in every season of my soul, whether a miracle comes or He silently lets me wait.  I want patience and joy in the waiting, I want to think better of my future.  I want my soul to prosper before my health prospers.

I want to hope again.  I want to dream again.  Dream without limits, ignoring the setbacks, believing Truth.



As honestly as I can say this - thank you.  Little prayers go a long way.
xo


currently listening: Jeremy Riddle

on contentment

Ascend the Hill - "Spend It All - Live"

I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty, or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

- Philippians 4:11-13

The infamous verse of "doing all things" is less about abilities and possibilities, and more about being wholly content with God Himself. It can be difficult for our practical minds to imagine what that would look like - to be fully content and satisfied with having God alone.
(What a concept, right?  To trust Him with everything?..)

Circumstances become the scale of character and trust.  Needs and wants arise, and the scales often tip to the side of anxiety, stress, and worry.  An influx of blessings and goodness appear, and the scales tip with a little less faith and a lot more self-sufficiency.  But the scales should never move.  In the chance of emptiness or overflow, the eyes that gaze only upon the Lord are steady, unfazed.
I recall the prayer of the Proverbs writer:

...Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.  Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, "Who is the Lord?"  Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.
- Proverbs 30.8-9

Ah but that would be suspiciously simple, yes?  To have what we need when we need it, and it is just enough?  Too bad we are always unsatisfied, though.  God gave the Israelites manna and quail, and they grumbled.  It's hard to realize that God has and is giving us our daily bread, and instead of being grateful, we search for something more.  We are discontented.

And so we do things like taking Philippians 4.13 out of context.  We tell ourselves that we can strive for greater goods because we can do all things, right?  He'll give me strength, right?
That whole argument must sadden the heart of God- He becomes the means, not the reward, and fulfillment is an idol.

Paul had found satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment in knowing and loving God alone.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him...
- Philippians 3.8-9

"I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST!" he says, like it is the beginning and end of his existence (and it is). He is driven by this mystery, and yet it completes him and strengthens him, enough to let his whole being be sure: nothing else matters - not life, death - none of these things can separate love from me, and it is this Love that strengthens me to endure the famine, persecution, the sword, or the plenty, the excess, the blessings.  I am content in all situations because I have God, and He has me.

That, my friends, is where I want my heart to be.

It's American Thanksgiving, and it's easy to list off things of gratitude in this season.  But I want it to be more than a list.  I want to recognize that my fulfillment and contentment is found in Christ alone, but because He is so rich in mercy and grace, He chooses to bless me because His delight is in me. I want to look at these blessings, from family and friendships, to provisions and a job, to all the seemingly trite things that prove His care for me - and still be content with God alone.  And when I think about the things I do not yet have, like healing or debt cancellation, I still want to be content with God alone.

I want it to be true, that I could do all things, or nothings, have many things, or have less - but it is the fulfillment I have in God that daily gives me strength.  This is what I am grateful for.


xo



currently listening: Ascend the Hill
currently reading: Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (I'm serious..)
currently watching: Gone with the Wind