on hope

The reality of hope is that it exists only in depravity.  It lives when there is something unattainable, unreachable, absent, void.  Hope is present only in poverty, that is, the nothingness, the lack, the emptiness.  Hope is for the desires unfulfilled, for the aspirations not yet achieved, for the triumph yet to own.

All these things said, it is hope that I most struggle with.  Hope is the sibling I was born with - the friend I will always have, the thorn I will always have.  I love hope, I need hope, but I tire of it, I want distance from it; I argue hope, but I call her back to me, and we walk together, despite me.  Hope exists only in depravity.  I am often with hope.  I am often in depravity.  I struggle with hope.

I struggle with my tendency to set very high hopes.  It's always while I am climbing this high mountain that I am simultaneously praying, "God, please don't let my heart go there."  The memories of frequent abandonment, rejection, and failure repeat in my mind, and I remember the great collapse, the gruesome heartaches, the pain of hope deferred.  And yet, for some reason, I climb higher, afraid of vulnerability yet being blatantly vulnerable.  I hope.  Sometimes, the longing is fulfilled.  But it is more frequently deferred.

Still, as ruthless as it sounds, I would choose hope, regardless if it infers a life of depravity.  How hopeless is the perfect life!  The life in lack increases my need for grace, my need for forgiveness, my need for salvation, my need for a Savior.  And I can have full confidence, full assurance, that these specific hopes will be fulfilled.  The hope to be loved by God is the one and only desire of the human heart that will always be met with fulfillment.  It's infallible.  Every other desire in my life owns even the slightest chance of failure, a chance of disappointment.  This is not to say that the other desires and wants in my life are unimportant - not at all, God Himself can place these desires in our heart.

Thus, my very frequent prayer:
Let every desire be subject to the desire of You.
For a long time, I've pray this over my life, I pray this over others.

It's when we find Him, that we find all the other things we desired.  It's the discovery of Him, the discovery of Truth, that sheds light on what our heart really needs.  Sometimes the things we longed for are no longer appealing.  Sometimes the things we shunned become the things we now hope for.  But when the want for God is the foremost hope in our spirits, the result of every other hope is dull beside the brilliance of Him.  He promises His Love.  He is hope fulfilled.

We do not hope for what we have.  Therefore, to live in hope is to live in poverty, having nothing.  And yet, if we abandon ourselves to economy of Divine Providence, we have everything we hope for.  By faith we know God without seeing Him.  By hope we possess God without feeling His presence... The only thing faith and hope do not give us is the clear vision of Him Whom we possess.  We are united to Him in darkness, because we have to hope.
- Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

----

There is one specific area in my life that is always deferred.  Though I vaguely refer to it (I'll tell you straight up- it is not about dating/marriage, as some assume), I don't know how to talk about it, because I don't understand it.  For ten years, an issue has repeated itself with different faces, but the same situation.  And I've fought God - fought God!  There's not many scenarios where I will yell at God because I am angry with Him, but this situation, I am always dumbfounded.
For ten years I'd wonder the same thing: Is it me?  Is something wrong with me?  Is this something that you do not will for my will and therefore do not grant it?  Is it something I need to endure?  But why?
Why would you put a hope in my heart, when it is always deferred?
I mean that.  Ten years.  Always, always deferred.

And yet, I climb the mountain again.  I climb with sorrow in one hand, and hope in the other.  
And as I ascend the summit, I pray that every desire is subject to the desire of God; I pray that God will make me a person of virtue and integrity, that at the base of my heart, I am motivated by the hope that at the top of this mountain, I will find God.  I want God to be my Hope, to be my salvation, to be the fulfillment, the longing fulfilled.

One day.



xo



currently reading: Thomas Merton, No Man is An Island
currently listening: "Spend It All" Ascend the Hill, though this song is most fitting:

confrontation

For every piece of constructive criticism, be ready with five pieces of honest compliments.
Having a hard time thinking of honest compliments?  They're there, after all, if God made that person in His likeness, there has to be more than "just something" of value.

(things i'm learning in management)


xo

storytime: thirsty

Preface.

This is a tale that will explain everything, or nothing, as I attempt discretion in releasing details.  

Five years ago, I made some life choices that seemed right at the time, and only proved to destroy me.  To this day, I live with the repercussions of my actions.  And I feel the burn.

Dry conditions encourage brush fires.  But these fires can serve as a form of pruning to deep-rooted plants.  These plants-- they survive the drought, they survive the fire.  And come season of rain, they come back to life.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

- Matthew 5:6

I.
Four years ago, I was exceptionally unsatisfied.  And you could tell.  There was a combination of  significant life-shattering events, and an exasperation with the mediocrity in the church, the droning of empty worship, the droning in my own soul.  I was a fresh void, a vacuum, yearning for Truth/  Honesty.   Restlessness gnawed on my skin to feel something real, to experience something real, to own something real.

Indeed, my heart had become an empty room, and I wanted to make it a home.  I wanted God to make a home in my heart.  But first, I had to know the flat Truth about this Son of Man.  My eyes were wandering, albeit blurry.  Maybe I see God? Maybe I see my frustrations.  Maybe I see truth?  Maybe my spirit is weak?  Maybe I am hungry.  I thirst.  Yes, I was thirsty for deep waters.  I don't survive very long on the surface.  There had to be more to tradition, and I wanted to grab every preaching deacon by the shoulders and shake the secrets from them.  "Tell me!" I would have yelled like the Beloved to the Watchmen of the Night: "Have you seen my Lord, the One my heart loves?"

Soon, I began hearing new thoughts, ideas, and perceptions of God and His Kingdom, and I listened.  I listened for about two years.  I listened, and I soaked it up.  You could say that, it appeared as though I had come back to life.  I drank, I ate, I devoured.  I indulged because it was in arms reach, and my confusion/immaturity/pain left no room for distinguishing Truth, distinguishing righteousness.  I partook because it looked spiritually wholesome.  It looked like the deep waters I thirsted for.  But it was only happiness.  It was not joy.  It was not peace.  It was not righteousness.  I was unsatisfied.


(sidenote):
Some things have the form, but not the power.  That causes decay.
Some things have the power, but not the form.  That causes destruction.


In those two years, the desperation clouded my judgment.  No longer was I searching for God Himself, I was searching for an experience. That was my problem.  A spiritual bulimia of excessive intake and public regurgitation in the name of God.  Eating my emotions, eating out of boredom.  Gluttony is a deadly sin.  I had consumed a tilted perspective of God and it was in my bloodstream, in my lungs; zealotry was on my breath, and my steps were careless.  I lost my appetite for discipline and wisdom and solitude.  It was drying my insides.

I don't need wine, I need water.  I thirst.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night...
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God...

- Psalm 42

II.
It's interesting, how easily humankind is deceived by the temporal happiness brought by experiences.  After the hype and the crash, we realize that happiness does not bring satisfaction.  Satisfaction brings happiness.  Scratch that- True Satisfaction, the one that comes from trusting God, brings joy.  The latter is what I hungered for, what I thirst for.  I didn't know how to attain it, and I had no one.  Two brush fires in two years.  A lot of bridges had been burned.

Metaphor aside.  I think about that timeframe, and my only response is, I'm sorry, God.  I've since felt His grace upon it, but what I can't shake is the remorse for the friendships I shattered along the way.  I risked some solid relationships for the sake of that spiritual voyage, and I regret it to this day, knowing I can't salvage anything on human strength.  As many apologies as I release, things are not the same.  I trust God to heal all brokenness- and that's just it- I'm trusting God.  Living with the consequences, and relishing in justice, mercy, grace.

I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against You, and You only, have I sinned.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

- Psalm 51

III.
Two years ago, 2010, things mellowed out.  I was so internally exhausted, in need of yet another cleanser.  Nourishment.  So I made a commitment to God; I told Him I'd give Him two years of my life, dedicated to the pursuit of His heart.  I asked yet again: Where is my Lord, the One my heart longs for?  And this time, I would not settle until I found water.  Only water.  Only the real river of life, not some bottled and sold jar of "holy water."  The true spring of Life.  For the past two years, I went back to the basic human need of hunger and thirst - for righteousness.  This would be my sustenance. In the time, I cherished solace and shalom, I dove into the Scriptures, I sang out my stress, I cried, I prayed, I soaked.

Those two years finished this spring.  I had a lot of thinking to do in those two years.  Lots of forgiving, lots of healing.  And as I mentioned, God doesn't owe me anything because I've given Him that time.  Nevertheless, He gives.  Freely.  I don't know what is in store for this next season; I'll understand it in retrospect.  But I do know one thing: I thirst for His righteousness, and He always satisfies.

What I love about God is that He is always present in my journey.  Do I always choose the right path?  No... but still, He never lets me walk the wrong path alone.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God...
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.

- Psalm 46 

xo



currently reading: Persuasion, Jane Austen
currently listening: Performance Today, feat. Elizabeth Aoki (9 yrs old)
currently watching: Mirror, Mirror