next steps

oh.  what to do with myself.
Here's the backstory.

A few weeks ago, I finished what would be two years which I chose to consecrate to the LORD.  There were specific things I chose to abstain from in order to set myself apart, and to devote that heart space wholly and holy to the LORD (Side note: It wasn't until after I finished the two years that I realized it was practically a Nazarite vow, complete with the growing/not-cutting of my hair). After it finished, I was at this strange place of - I don't know what to do with myself.

It's not that God owes me anything.  That's something I've told myself this whole time.  No, God doesn't owe me anything just because I gave Him this time.  God doesn't owe me anything ever.  He's just so overwhelmingly gracious.  In fact, I was at a place of resolution- maybe He shouldn't give me anything.

The solitary lifestyle of prayer and worship had wound so tightly around me, that I both jokingly and honestly considered nunnery!  After all, their lives are devoted to prayer, worship, mercy, simplicity, modesty... all the things I love.  Then I can come out of my cave to tend to garden.  Perfect.
Everyone hates that idea.  Especially my parents.  Rightfully so.  My dad finds the most non-sensical opportunities to say "And it says in the Bible, 'Be fruitful and multiply!'" ~don't get me wrong! This is not about relationships.  What I'm saying is, my desire to live an outwardly consecrated life had overridden the desire for a variety of things, from a family of my own, to the "minor" things like careers and dreams.

Or so I told myself.

In fact, once the vow ended, in my mind I got technical and said, "Actually, because of [this or that event] the consecration actually ends in June.  or August."  Well.  That shouldn't be a factor, because if God were urged by time, my consecration (technically) has been going on for four years.  It's also very easy for me to volunteer to extend my vow of consecration.  Volunteer to make the consecration a little bit more intense.  Give up a little more.  A lot more. maybe.

But then the LORD told me....

"Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain."
- Exodus 20.27

My heart was exposed.  It IS exposed.

If I'm being honest with myself, my next step is not to continue a consecration of outer things to force my heart in line with Him.  I could do that, and there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not my real "desire," and the motives are not pure.  It's my excuse to not take a step forward.  It's fear of the unknown.  It's my lack of trust.

As I looked at next steps, I've been coming up with ideas of places that would hide me from trusting, hide me from the potential of getting hurt, hide me from people.  I often struggle with the purpose of community.  I hid behind my relationship with God... when all this time, I've been using it as my excuse to not reach out and even let myself be reached.

So what do I do with myself?

For one thing, regardless of whether or not I take part in these external things, I don't want my heart position to change.  This has always been my real desire - to keep myself consecrated to the LORD.  I still want to be as devoted to prayer and worship and Bible study.  I still want to be at a place of willingness to sacrifice.  I still want to live a life that is set apart as holy to the LORD.  If He brings situations and open doors my way, I will trust Him and walk through it in faith.

All these things are doable with or without the vow.  But initially, I did it as an outward declaration of abandonment to Jesus.

The point of this post is not to disregard Nazarite vows or fasting, because I am still a great advocate of it (When the LORD gives the OK, I will talk about what He taught me).  All I'm saying is that we can't do things, or declare to do things "in God's name" just to make something right when we know that we ordained it, and He didn't.  We can't tack on the words "God said," when God didn't really say.

However, we can be sure of at least one thing He did say: "Trust me."

Jesus, my heart is Yours.  Come feast or famine, plenty or want, I adore You, and there is none before You.  I trust You, Jesus, You always know what is best for me.



xo

ps- that photo on the top was taken two years ago. fitting.

currently listening: Lisa Gottshall "All Is for Your Glory"
currently watching: The Prince of Egypt
reblogged on PureSunday.com

what He would do

i wish the phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" didn't become so cliche, almost as if it'd be a joke to wear that bracelet from 10+ years ago.  after all, it's a question we actually SHOULD be constantly asking ourselves in any situation.  is not one of our goals to be like Him?  to awaken in His likeness? to choose the narrow road?

it is very easy to take the route of pride that confidently says, "i know how this will turn out, and this was a frequent route, and God never said 'no.'"  it's familiar, it's seemingly predictable, it apparently requires no faith.

and who knows, maybe Jesus WOULD do the thing you are about to do.

but sometimes, you never know... sure He probably didn't say "no," but has He said "yes?"

the YES of God is a more powerful blessing than any blessing and 'yes' of man.

Jesus, that we may be careful in our speech and actions, that our heart motives are of LOVE, that our desire is to be more like You; You, Yourself, have said that You only do what the Father does, and say what the Father says... why should I do any different?  Why should I be so independent of You, when You submitted Your will to Your Father?


My heart is Yours, what would You do?


...and help me to trust that You DO speak to me, and that the Spirit will, indeed, guide me into all Truth.




xo

the infinite ocean of Christ's love - octavius winslow

Please do listen to the audio reading as well :)

The Infinite Ocean of Christ's Love Octavius Winslow The mind has often been sensible of a feeling of awe as we have stood upon the shore, and gazed upon the vast expanse of the ocean. With a similar, yet far transcending emotion, we approach the infinite ocean of Christ's love! Like the eternity of God, we cannot fathom where His love begins, or where it terminates. There is no other solution to the marvelous mysteries of His Incarnation and Sacrificial Death but this: Christ has loved us. Love originated all, explains all, illustrates all. Love is the interpreter of every Divine mystery. There is not a circumstance of our Lord's history which is not another form or manifestation of love. His incarnation is love stooping. His sympathy is love weeping. His compassion is love supporting. His grace is love acting. His teaching is the voice of love. His silence is the repose of love. His patience is the restraint of love. His obedience is the labor of love. His suffering is the travail of love. His cross is the altar of love. His death is the burnt offering of love. His resurrection is the triumph of love. His ascension into heaven is the enthronement of love. His sitting down at the right hand of God is the intercession of love. Such is the deep, the vast, the boundless ocean of Christ's love! The soul muses in silent awe as it gazes upon this fathomless, limitless sea! Nothing short of a divine love could or would have borne our sins, and the punishment of our sins. The weight of the one, and the terribleness of the other, would have crushed and annihilated a mere 'created' affection. There existed no love but the love of Jesus equal to the work of salvation. Who was willing, who was able, to bear that heavy load, to endure that overwhelming curse, but Jesus? Oh, think, beloved reader, what the love of Christ has done and suffered for you.... the burden it bore, the sorrow it felt, the humiliation it underwent, the insults, the ignominy, the privation through which it traveled; its groans, its sighs, its tears, its darkness, how inconceivably it agonized, how freely it bled, how voluntarily it died, the sins it has pardoned, the guilt it has cleansed, the declensions it has restored, the backslidings it has healed, the sorrows it has soothed, the patience it has exercised, the gentleness it has exhibited, and then ask, could any other but the love of Jesus have done all this, and endured all this? Such is the love of Christ! To have saved us upon such terms... a stoop so low, a humiliation so profound, a labor so immense, mental anguish so acute, bodily suffering so agonizing, a death so ignominious... Was ever love like this? Was it ever equaled? Where shall we find its parallel? Love less divine, less strong, less gentle, could never have won your heart, uprooted your enmity, tore you from your idols; enthroning Christ, all of Christ, Christ only, Christ supremely, Christ forever! The love of Christ will be the wonder, the study, and the song of all pure, holy intelligences through eternity! Beloved, nothing shall take the love of Christ from you, or separate you from it. It does not ebb with the ebbing of your feelings; It does not chill with the chill of your affections; It does not change with the changing scenes and circumstances of your life. The love of Christ has depths we cannot sound, heights we cannot explore, an infinite fulness and freeness tiding over all the sins, infirmities, and sorrows of its blessed and favored objects. Seek to know this love of Christ, though it is so vast that it 'passes knowledge.' Infinite though it is, you may experience its reality, taste its sweetness, and be influenced by its all commanding, all constraining power. Do not limit your heart experience of Christ's love, for it is infinite in its nature, and boundless in its extent. As yet, how many of us stand but upon the shore of this ocean! How little do we know, experimentally, of the love of Christ in our souls! Bring your heart with.... its profoundest emptiness, its most startling discovery of sin, its lowest frame, its deepest sorrow, and sink it into the depths of the Savior's love! That infinite sea will flow over all, erase all, absorb all, and your soul shall swim and sport amid its gentle waves, exclaiming in your joy and transport, "Oh, the depths!" The Lord direct your heart into the love of God! Just as it is... hard, cold, fickle, sinful, sad and sorrowful. Christ's love touching your hard heart, will dissolve it! Christ's love touching your cold heart, will warm it! Christ's love touching your sinful heart, will purify it! Christ's love touching your sorrowful heart, will soothe it! Christ's love touching your wandering heart, will draw it back to Himself. Only bring your heart to Christ's love! Believe that He loves you, and just as love begets love, so the simple belief in the love of Jesus will inspire you with a reflected, responsive affection; and your soul, like the flower, will burst from its captivity, and bloom, and, soaring in life, liberty, and beauty, will float in the sunbeams of Gods full, free, and eternal love; and, in a little while, will find itself in heaven, where all is love! "Blessed Jesus! Your love, like Your agonies, is an unknown and unfathomable depth! It passes knowledge. Let it rise and expand before me, until it fills the entire scope of my soul's vision; occupies every niche of my heart; and bears me onward by its all commanding, all constraining influence, in the path of a holy loving obedience and surrender." "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it." Ephes. 3:19