options

Last week's devo session involved the book of Jeremiah and Lamentations, a sketchbook, some Bonhoeffer, and a dog at my feet.

Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins? Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.
- Lamentations 3: 39-40

Well yes, it's "Lamentations."  Written at a time before the Cross proclaimed a grace that covered sins, the verses the follow express a ripping sorrow and frustration of feeling abandoned.

Still- it's the Word, and the Word is True, and the Word is full of power.  God is just, and He is righteous in His judgments.  Although the prophecy of disaster and its fulfillment covers much of the Old Testament, it is easy to forget that, in the first place, God had always given His people options.  The torment we read of is, in fact, consequence for the choices the people have made.

In Jeremiah 42, the people asked Jeremiah to pray and ask God what they should do... saying, "whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the LORD our God," (Jer 42.3-6)  And so Jeremiah sought the LORD, and told them plainly what the LORD had said, holding nothing back (v 4)... It held both promises for obeying and consequences for disobedience.

‘If you stay in this land, I will build you up and not tear you down...
- Jeremiah 42. 10-12

‘If you are determined to go to Egypt and you do go to settle there, then the sword you fear will overtake you there...'
- Jeremiah 42. 15-16

The people would not accept this word... because it isn't what they wanted to hear.

And what I am about to say does not apply to all things.  But in reality:
There are times when God tells us to listen to Him, because if we don't, we'll suffer the consequences.
So we fight God, because what He asks can sound insensible, contrary, difficult - anything synonymous with "things we don't want to do."
And we choose otherwise.
Not surprisingly, we taste the consequences.  But as Jeremiah was alluding to, can we really say it's God's fault?  Where were our hearts in the first place?

Surely we cannot apply this to every painful experience we've had, dubbing our problems as "this is God punishing me."  No, we must realize that we do live in a fallen world; we are still in battle against darkness. And adding to that, we do live in a time of abundant grace. Truly,

You can step outside of the will of God, but you can never step outside of His promises.

I know this firsthand.  There are countless times when I haven't listened to the voice of God, downright avoided His voice sometimes.  And the path I chose was difficult to maneuver.  But it did not negate the promises that He's spoken, because He never breaks His promises:

Do not fear, for I am with you... I will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41.10)
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. (John 14.27)
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world! (John 16.33)
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him (Isaiah 57.18)

For He will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help... (Ps. 72.12)
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3.17)

Yes, God gives us options, and in this walk of faith, there are times when we miss His voice.  But the wonder of grace is the endless chances He gives, and the unconditional love that accompanies His call to follow Him.  Oh yes, we must examine our hearts to find whether or not we are centered on listening to and obeying His will, rather than seeking His approval and rejecting His "opinions."  But in seeking Him, we will also find that He takes great delight in His beloved, knowing full well that regardless of her fall, if she so chooses, she can grip onto His promises and find herself back on the path He first ordained.



xo



currently reading: The Cost of Discipleship, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
currently listening: IHOP-KC prayer room (Worship in the Word sets)
currently watching: Finding Nemo.  really.

overcome

Abba, where do I go from here?
Oh, I said I would run hard after Your heart, I said I would be faithful, I said I would forego any obstacle for the sake of beholding You....

I said these things, and then my knees caved in.

And now how can I run after You?

I see You vaguely in the distance, and I see Your children dance around You,
And now how can I dance with You too?
I am still yet far away, hearing You faintly.. muffled whistles in the wind
and not sure if You hear me.. muffled cries into the earth

Abba, where do I go from here?
All I long for is for You to come to my rescue, to carry me in my weakness, to affirm me of Your Love..
because You still love me, don't You?
My heart could not abandon You, even with this distance,
My memory fights to recollect the beautiful words of Life...
My troubled soul argues with my hopeful spirit, and Your Spirit always wins...

Will You fight for me, Abba?  You always win...


I am frail, how can I run after You?
Come and run after me...

Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth.  1948.

Jesus did not say: you shall not be troubled, you shall not be tempted, you shall not be distressed.  But He said: you shall not be overcome.


- Julian of Norwich

xo




currently reading: The Lessons of St. Francis by John Michael Talbot
currently listening: an assortment of Gregorian chants

a narrative on anger.

influx of wretched happenstances.
my immediate interpretation is that they are meant to teach me patience.
in reality, they uncover my impatience, my anger, my selfishness.

i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

yes.. these things are also uncovering my pride.
for a good bulk of this year (all 3 months of them), i have been edgy, antsy, snappy.
(is that externally accurate?)
i think we can word it as bitter, resentful, enraged, angry.  very, very angry.
it is untruthful to say i've "never been this angry," but i can say to my remembrance, my anger has not consistently outwardly manifested to this degree.


and God bless my dear friends who have run after me, prayed for me, loved on me.
in fact,

there was one instance when i came to the House of Prayer as a complete wreckage
so in that very moment, we dashed over to the neighborhood beach and..
jumped into the ocean.
in our work clothes.
until our skins were pruned
until the sun went down
until the moon rose.

then all intensity multiplied..

and there was only so much my heart could take.
i looked forward to Thursday, March 10, 2011.  because at 2:00pm, it indicated the beginning of ten days of absolutely no work.

and i anticipated utter relaxation, full of painting, chiropractic care, and absolutely - much more Jesus time.
but i came home, and the first thing i had learned was that my grandmother's sister, Apo Maria, had passed away.
at the beautifully ripe age of 105.  (her age secret?  she speaks no english, and she doesn't watch the news).
she was old, but i had not seen this coming.  my heart sank into a realm of numbness.

oh sorrow - you had the beginning of my break.

i tried to hide away in the girls' room that Thursday evening

hiding, yet surrounded by my comforting sisters.

i attempted to trek the night weeping silently and sleep early.
suddenly a hustling - our state of Hawaii had received a tsunami watch due to the tragic earthquake in Japan.

and our House, albeit right out of the safe zone, was full of transplanted young adults who had never experienced a tsunami watch or warning.
and they all wanted to dash out.
i was irate.
i wanted to be left in the house - let me sleep on the top bunk, if the waves come, it won't touch me.  i wanted full sleep.
but no.  i had to leave.

no one would leave me alone at the House.
we crowded about about 15 people into a friend's duplex
which meant that i was granted the floor mat in the laundry room.
[perfectly fine, except i have a bad knee].

oh yes, we were all feeling the effects of sleeplessness.

equals... terrible grouchiness.
it's expected to say that i would be, yet again, irate, and perhaps restless.

but instead, my anger had halted.


what was i to say to the LORD?
"Hey God, could You take my grandma's life on another day?  today isn't a good day for me."
"Hey God, could You hit Japan with an earthquake some other time?  i don't want to be around paranoid non-locals over a tsunami watch because i would like to sleep."

REALLY?  HOW SELFISH AM I!
i have no reason to be angry!  this is pure selfishness!

and how terrible the things that the LORD uses to summon my attention.
if only i really had the fruit of the Spirit abounding in my heart
if only i was so full of His presence, that He could be seen and felt in my actions and words - without me straining to do so.
if only i were naturally patient, self-controlled, loving, peaceful.
if only i could know joy - true unfazed joy -
if only my praise was effortless, as a result of genuine love for my LORD....

then none of the things i have had to face would have compared to His beauty.
how terrible that we face numerous frustrations with a selfish pity call for comfort
- and yes, we all want comfort!
but we seek it in places other than His arms,
frustrated that the world does not cater to our longings.
and we are left angry at everything that does not line up with our lives.

needless to say, i am definitely in conviction mode.



xo


currently watching: toy story 3