on absolute brokenness... 2010 part 2.

lesson 1: aching, willing love.
lesson 2: brokenness.

absolute brokenness.  and not merely because of the circumstances surrounding me, but also perpetuated by Watchman Nee's book, The Release of the Spirit.  lessons are best seen in my post on Rebukes and Redefining Grace.

a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

- Psalm 51:17

The first requirement in God's work is a pure, not a powerful spirit.  Those who neglect this, though their work may be done in power, will find it destroyed due to the lack of purity... Though they may truly possess the power of God, yet because their spirit is mixed, they are destroying what they build.... You are giving to men that which is of yourself while ministering God's Word.  The LORD's Name does not suffer because of your lack of life, but because of your flow of impurities.


- Watchman Nee

believe me.  ultra convicted.

but there is something about brokenness... it reminds me of Christ.  He was broken.. beautifully broken... and glorious.  i am weak.  so weak.  and it is then that He can be strong.


xo


listened to: Misty Edwards, Fling Wide, and Olafur Arnalds, Found Songs

on aching, willing love... 2010 part 1.

i have a love-hate relationship with yearly reflections/resolutions.  every day should be a resolve to Love more, to give more, to yearn for God more.  but nonetheless, i resolve, just as i did at the brink of 2009, and reflect, like the entrance of 2010.  journals and old blogs hold the R's of past years in secret.


it is now the close of 2010.  three outstanding lessons pressed upon my heart, this first one being:
1. love out of the heart of God; because we are weak and He is strong.



*

i have nothing to give.  i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
my words fall like snow, my actions melt within a day, my thoughts take flight with the wind.
i do not own anything, i have no possessions, i can make no claims.

and i say these things, not to insult my Creator
but to exalt that He is everything, and i am nothing - without Him.
i cannot say that i am, for only He IS; only He can say, "I AM."

He is Love.

i cannot even make claims that "I Love," or that i know love, or that i understand love.
but yes, i am learning about Love; i am learning to love - out of the heart of God.

the desire for love is crafted into our individual design.
and for the rest of our lives, we will be at unrest until we find love; maybe we think we have already found love and strangely, are still unsatisfied.
 because we yearn for real Love, that is, GOD Who is Love.

we will forever be confused with grasping the complexity of Love
until we settle it in every crevice of our being:
that God is Love, and every encounter with God is an encounter with Love; every experience of true Love is an experience of God.

i would often struggle with the point of community.
what is it for?  if my existence is meant for the pleasure and worship of YHWH,
why should i be concerned about being open and raw,
knitting heart ties, entrusting myself to another flawed person...
"do not forsake the fellowship of believers" - can we dub that as corporate worship?
i saw no necessity for self-disclosure.

but thoughts like these could only stem from wounds of disappointment, neglect, abandonment.
thoughts like these are petty excuses for the "no trespassing" sign across our souls.
thoughts like these were born after we, in our adventurous naivety, chose to give love, and were bruised when we did not receive love in return.

but is it our place to ask for love?
is it our place to draw attention to our needs?
we don't want to confront anyone with, "when will you ask about me?" or "when's my turn to be cared for?" or "where's my love?"...
because it feels like manipulation.
(it IS manipulation...)
we'd rather they did it out the genuine movements of their spirit, not out of pity.

i wouldn't want someone to love me out of pity.
i don't think we could even call it love.
it's just... pity.

nonetheless, our defense mechanisms fly up in wanting to protect our fragile selves.
because we've trusted(!) and trusted(!) and have been terribly disappointed each time.

The amount of love you have for a person equals the amount of pain or grief that person can cause in your life.

- KV

real love does not rhyme with pain.
no, but real love does mean vulnerability
(yes, that seemingly weak and sensitive word)

for, to be open and vulnerable only means the stabs are fiercer, the wounds are deeper.
the fear becomes greater.
the walls become higher.
the flesh heart becomes harder.

oh where to go from here!
we close ourselves from loving and being loved,
we fade back from hope....

but love believes all things and hopes all things.
and to truly Love,
we must believe fully in God, we must hope fully in God.

i have nothing to give. i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
i cannot say that i have loved or truly know love
but i know God, and to know God is to know Love.

if there is one thing i learned in the first third of 2010, it was to Love out of the heart of God.

love should never expect anything in return. in itself, it is Giving alone.
and for the most part, love can be an aching yet willing sacrifice - a resolution - that takes discipline, endurance, faith, and hope.

indeed, there are possibilities that:

your giving won't be valued or recognized
you'll be rejection
you won't be appreciated
you'll be judged.


Real Love is aware of these things... but still makes the choice to give anyway...
because Real Love gives out of the heart of God.
and God is an endless supply of Truth and Love that satisfies.
and not that it won't ever hurt, but to Love for the sake of God more than the sake of self means that the rejection, judgment, disappointment bears on the back of Jesus Christ Himself - it is His love for us.

the rejection of man cannot touch the affirming Love of Jesus...
He is Love. He satisfies.

Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong...

I am weak, but He is strong.


Yes, Jesus loves me.

xo

*

images are photos/sketches created this year.  also seen on facebook here.

listened to: Holy by Matt Gilman & Cory Asbury; Immersed and Majestic by various IHOP-KC artists.

loving the special ones.

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak...

Psalm 41.1

the past few weeks have been very trying on my spirit, for reasons i cannot legally explain.  it is hard being with disabled children in public school as a contracted worker, knowing that the public education system growls at any form of affection.

in the various situations i've worked in, i have had conversations with teachers, and even parents (!) who warn me never to have children ("then again, work with these kids - instant birth control!").  sometimes they talk about abortion.  sometimes they say they wish they aborted that child (yes, that very child sitting there, with a name, a darling face, and a distinct personality).  Hassles!  they say.  Painful!  they say.  oh the time and money put into this child with no future!  ahh my heart, it aches....

this is their great argument against me, a believer in God- "any god," they would add.  the very famous question, What's their purpose?  What are they good for?


i despise that question.
and granted, i am not the one with all the answers.
but having been around different diagnoses, controlling tantrums for 6 hours every day, redirecting a distracted focus every 30 seconds, hushing disruptive noises, changing diapers, and probably being the only person in the world the child trusts to tell the harmful things the child saw or experienced....

all i know is that they teach us how to love.

they teach us how to love!!  oh how the fruit of the Spirit must ripen within you!  to be patient, to be kind, to control your anger, to be gentle.  to suffer long.  to be at peace.  to be joyful!- because maybe you are the only true joy they will ever know! when there is no other safe place, you become a safe place- you must carry a joy!  you learn true joy.  you learn to love.  and you learn to be faithful. because they've seen unfaithfulness, and when you get angry and they use that to authenticate that "everybody hates me, they're all going to leave," you want to prove them wrong.. not to spite them, but only because you love them, and you are a safe place...

yes.  they teach us how to love.

a love, i assure you, i am still learning daily.
but then goes the thought, should not everybody teach us how to love? absolutely. yes, they should.  except it is a much trickier route to learn love via the most-everybody-else group. because, what we call "love" is more often an economy: giving to receive.  it's very different with the special ones.  most of them cannot help how they respond to you.  they cannot return to you a love that validates every sacrifice you have made for them.  perhaps you've invested your resting, your resources, your sanity for the sake of putting the child at ease.  and in return, they may bite, scratch, throw tantrums.. some are nonverbal, some need total physical assistance.  some are completely verbal and physically able, but their issue is mere delinquency.  and how much will you love, then?

oh it's so easy to take it personal!  their tantrums make you feel like a failure, their angry words make you question your inability to raise children.  you offer every proven incentive, and they cry helplessly, unable to communicate their needs and desires.. and in that moment, how much will you love them?

they are special.  you sacrifice yourself, with no incentive but the sake of a Father's Love, with no reward but knowing you can give Love. and after you have toiled this ground, you shall see the fruit of the Spirit grow bountifully within you.

In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus Himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'

-Paul, Acts 20.35

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1.27

My student and I made this together.

xo


currently listening: Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band - Live at Bank's House
* do yourself a favor and get this album.  and yes, i do realize that it seems i am always "currently" listening to upb, but what can i say, the Spirit speaks through them!